Why I want to be like Oprah

So, I've had some days off work recently for Passover (chag sameach?). MINI-VACA anyone? Well, except it wasn't EXACTLY mini-vacation'y. There was a lot of traveling in the car involved. And celebrating Passover makes me feel like a ton of bricks. Plus, I didn't get to sleep that late. And I went to the dentist and he wasn't nice to me. Does this seem weird to any of you:

So, I go to the dentist and...as he's prodding my mouth (that's what she said? did you think I was over that joke? FALSE) and spitting water in my face (the 'that's what she said' just gets better, doesn't it?)...I try to make a bit of small talk and say something like 'oh, are my wisdom teeth impacted?'...and he ignores me...and then, at the end of the appointment, he sends me to the reception desk

*(By the way, he was the receptionist in his own office...awkward?. I saw this guy sitting at the desk when I first walked in that morning. He took my insurance information, and wasn't friendly...shockingly. I didn't think anything of it until later on when that same guy came into my little room with a doctor's coat on. I was confused and thought maybe all middle-aged, white guys look the same?)*

to check out and as I get up from the chair he adds, casually, 'You have cavities. So you'll go get your wisdom teeth out and then come back here to get them filled.' He also called me m'am. I'm a MISS if ever there was one!

When did this turn into whinefest?

But, the time off, afforded me some nice opportunities. I was able to walk around and see TWO CELEBRITIES (OMG OMG OMG) on Tuesday, and also take an epicly long, 2 hour nap.

And, I was able to watch about...7 'Oprah'/'Oprah's 25th Season Behind the Scenes' show episodes. WOW. That is a lot of Oprah. And yet, I could totally come back for more.

Why I want to be like Oprah:

1) My last name is really cumbersome. I'd prefer to just have people call me by my first name, Highness, like people call Oprah by her first name, Oprah.

2) Sweatpants to work. Some of you have worked with me or DO work with me now. Or some of you just know me and understand that I have made it my life's work to be wearing sweatpants / getting away with wearing sweatpants at all times. Remember the infamous 'pajamas to work' incident of 2009? I still would say it was a dress and yoga pants but, whatever. Anyway, on her behind the scenes show, Oprah is basically wearing sweatpants all the time. And as she sashays around the office in juicy track pants, people bow down to her and give her no grief. AMAZING!

3) She said every day is like her birthday. Yes. On one of her behind the scenes shows, Oprah said that she's not big into her birthday because growing up she didn't celebrate it. However, now that she's an adult, and like, a billionaire, and has her dream job, and gets to eat whatever she wants (she didn't say those things explicitly but...it was implied), she feels like every day is her birthday. OH WOW. I love my birthday! Presents! Cake! An excuse for drunkenness / get-out-of-jail-free card for anything that results because of aforementioned drunkenness!

Sign me up!

4) She's the boss. I am kind of tired of being everyone's assistant and having to do EVERYTHING that EVERYONE tells me to do...regardless of how silly it is. I'd much rather be the ridiculous person placing demands on people (like Oprah). 'Let's all go vegan!' 'OK!'

5) She's rich. Yeah, money doesn't solve problems. It also doesn't grow on trees. And when you throw it on the ground it's called 'making it rain', which, makes it seem like you're an almighty and powerful being. That being said, couldn't hurt to have a little bit of it. Or a lot bit of it like Oprah.

6) She gets to buy people presents. Well, to be fair, I get to buy people presents, too. Though, I normally word it along the lines of 'have to buy people presents'...uh. Love all of you! YAY! When I buy people things, though...there's some budgeting involved, and I usually have to go out and pick it up myself and it's a one-at-a-time kind of deal. But Oprah, no way. She gets to buy people (yes, more than one!) presents all the time, and receive praise from the people she buys gifts from, and not have to break the bank while doing it. And she probably has other people pick up the giftS for her. LEISURE <3 Can you say 'living the dream?'. You can't. ?. I'll look up a speech pathologist...weird.

7) Everyone loves her. Well, not everyone. Hillary hates her, which, I think, is the definition of ironic though I, like Jamie, can't be sure. But most people love her. And when you love Oprah, you tell Oprah you love her. I might have secret admirers (probably not, but I like to pretend) which, I guess, is nice? Someone's out there potentially pining after me? (If you are, you should just say something but) But, does it do me any good if someone/something's out there thinking about how awesome I am but not doing anything about it? Not really. Write a song about me! Send me poems! Carve my image in marble! SOMETHING!

UM...this has taken an interesting turn. But, anyway...when people love Oprah they tell her and she basks in it. I would love to bask in the love of others for me as well.

8) Teaching. I'm not sure if I want to be a teacher, but it seemed like adding this to the list would make me less of a jerkfacepantz.

In conclusion, there's a slim chance of this happening but stay tuned!

HOT YOGA

OOF. I did hot yoga the other day for the first time.

Have you all heard about it? It's something that people who have disposable income and lots of toxins like to do. I guess I'm one of those people now.

My roommate Laura had asked me if I wanted to go to hot yoga a few months ago. Well, actually, maybe she didn't ask me if I wanted to go? Maybe she just mentioned to me that she was going with one of her friends and I implied an invitation. Awkward?

Well anyway, even if she had invited me, I wasn't ready to go. The idea of yoga + sweating in front of strangers didn't seem appealing to me. I can't imagine why..

Fast forward a few months when my co-worker, Sandy, also mentioned hot yoga. Is this boring anyone yet? I'm unsure about Laura, but I'm 100% sure that Sandy mentioned hot yoga to me and THEN also asked me if I'd want to go with her.

People invite me to things sometimes! I AM SO COOL.

I was unsure but then, remembered lots of conversations I've had with lots of people, about how I'm like, you know, SOOOO open-minded and will try anything once (yes, anything - shove it - gross). And, I got to thinking.

I'm many things. I'm super awesome and adorable. I'm literate. I'm left-handed. I'm randomly clean. I'm thoughtful. I'm funny (? right?) and self-assured (get that joke?). One thing I am not, though, is an intentional hypocrite. Sure, things happen and like, I told you I HATE that guy you're dating, and then the next day I'M making out with him (what up tequila shots!). And, there was that time I was totally against cotton blends and now it's all I can wear. And let's not forget Japan...
...but, those things were accidents!

I pride myself on a) being a nice person who, when given the chance, will usually do the 'right' thing (an entry on my personal set of morals and ethics is coming soon! JK. no one wants to hear about that, which is something that personally bothers me and I find offensive, but anyway...)

So, for the sake of not making myself look like an asshole, I told Sandy I'd go to hot yoga with her. If I didn't go with her, I reasoned, people might find out that I actually won't try EVERYTHING ONCE, and then, when I used that line in conversation in the future, I worried, people might call me a hypocrite.

And I went because I thought it'd be fun and I'd enjoy spending time with Sandy and blahbity other things.

Sandy was cute enough to invite me via her google calendar (which automatically updates on my iphone...go figure), and we went for the first time two weeks ago.

HUH.

So, have any of you, besides Laura, and Jamie, and Giuliana done hot yoga?

It was an experience. Whatever boundaries I have, were shut down. Sweating in front of strangers? Eh, it happened. Sticking my butt, essentially, in someone's face while being sweaty? All over it. Staring at myself in the mirror, unabashedly, while surrounded by peers? I was all up in that business (please note, I look at myself in the mirror or my phone ALL THE TIME...but I usually am a bit ashamed about it or try to pretend like I'm involved in something more serious).

The class was 90 minutes. The temperature was 105.

For those of you who have known of me or been friends with me since 2008, you might recall July and August of that year. Jamie, Larry and I did not have an air conditioner that summer for...I can't even think of a reason. It was broken? Or, the slot in the wall for the air conditioner (an aside - why the hell do they do that in New York City? Hole in the wall air conditioners are awkward and expensive. Sure, New Yorkers don't mind awkward, but penny-pinchers are we!) was a weird size so we couldn't find something to fit in there?

Anyway, the point of this is that, if you hung out with me when it was 100 degrees during the summer of 2008, in the rare moments that I was able to escape from my third-floor oven and unglue myself from the couch, you know that it wasn't ideal/pretty/like I was a human. It just...GOD. WAS SO HOT IN THERE! And then, as I sweat through my clothes and lacked the motivation to move, I became angry and unable to string sentences together. I showered in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. I only felt comfortable talking to Jamie because she knew what I was going through.

I completely sweat through my clothes, but surprised myself in that I was able to hold some of the poses and didn't fall on my face once. I even, after class, chatted with some people WHILE my face was still red and I probably reeked. Normally I avoid people when I feel that I'm not at my best (well, except for when I'm drunk...in which case I seek out people I should probably be avoiding...uh), but toxin-free I felt liberated and like I could and would do anything!

I killed a guy on the subway ride home!

ha
ha
ha

In conclusion, you should try everything once because a) you might end up liking or b) it can help you figure out what you're allergic to.

Bringing home baby pt. 24?

HEY! Happiest of Tuesdays to ya (imagine I said that in a Leprechaun voice. Does Leprechaun need to be capitalized?)!

Except, as far as Tuesdays go, this hasn't been super great. Well, I couldn't find my mascara this morning, and I have light eyelashes, and therefore can't really wear eye makeup without wearing mascara. And, I lost my metrocard (sorry to anyone I've actually SPOKEN to today since this seems to be all I'm capable of talking about)...which was an unlimited card and had only been used for 7 days. And, it's raining and you all know how I feel about carrying things / what humidity does to my hair.

But, you know, onward and upward. It's not THAT serious.

You know what is serious, though? A recent bid I made on ebay that resulted in a recent purchase I made through paypal (That is awkwardly still processing...why?)

I feel a little embarrassed bringing it up because I'm not 12, and we've gone through this before. But, it looks like I'm going to be a parent again!

First, I told you guys about my ipod that I got THREE YEARS AGO (omg! SO LONG AGO, right?!). And then I told you about...probably some other things...huh. And then I told you about miphone. OH YEAH...and then there was my facebook baby, Jewish. And my facebook pet, Pampz. Not in that order, but whatever.

But anyway, MOMMY BECKY! YAY!

To what, you might be wondering? An actual baby? NOT IN YOUR LIFE. Well, not that there's anything wrong with babies. In fact, they're kind of adorable. And really smushy. And light weight (read: easy to carry). But, I'm not ready to take care of another human for more than a few hours at a time. I like naps too much and am cheap.

As far as actual pets go, they are forbidden in my apartment / I don't ever want to have to leave happy hour early to go walk something and pick up poop off the ground that doesn't belong to me and isn't the result of a Chipotle burrito.

With that being said, I'm going to become a parent to a Tamagotchi that I DEFINITELY overpaid for on ebay and probably will get bored with in a few weeks. A TAMAGOTCHI. Remember them? Remember 4th grade? It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

I'm looking forward to a portable pet that I can bring out with me, and play with when the people that I'm with are boring me (I'm talking about any of YOU of course. It's all my other friends that are boring. You know, the ones who don't read this).

I'm looking forward to killing an animal without being arrested (too soon? jk?) . I'm looking forward to having another COOL keychain on my house keys! Actually...it probably wouldn't be a good idea to have the tamagotchi on my keychain with my house keys. It could get scratched. I wonder if they sell screen protectors?

In conclusion, I am apparently having a quarter-life crisis that involves: buying virtual pets circa 1997, eating candy for breakfast, taking 5 weeks to read a book, and losing my metro card (Yup. I'm mentioning it again. What are you going to do about it, huh?)