Things I've been watching on TV

Well, it's been just about a month. I feel great that I haven't written in here. FALSE. I don't feel great about it. To be fair, I don't feel badly about it...but, let me make a little bit more of an effort, ok? At first, sure, I was all about complimenting you and asking you what you wanted to do. And about your feelings. And then slowly I stopped texting as much and wasn't e-mailing you those cute little animal pictures that you like at work. And then...you wouldn't hear from me for a few days at a time. Then a week. Then a month. But, when I did get in touch, I swore I was still interested. That everything was OK. Well, let's rekindle this romance, shall we?

In addition to, you know, like, going to Cape Cod (YAY!) and to PA to visit Kate (YAY! YAY! YAY! - three since she's pregnant with twins. YES. You heard it here!) and seeing friends and doing other fun things, I've been watching a fair amount of TV this summer. I'm sure you'd rather hear about the TV I've been watching than, say, the culinary delights I ate at M. Wells a few weeks ago for brunch. I'm sure you've been wondering 'What is Becky EVEN DVR'ing these days?' more than 'What has Becky been thinking about?'. To be fair, some of what I've been thinking about is TV...

(I don't get this, either...)

Things I've been watching on TV

1) Oprah. OH YES. So her show has gone off the air, however, my DVR is picking up episodes that weren't originally recorded...so I'm catching all the episodes I missed the first time around including a RIVETING interview with Ralph Lauren. No seriously. It was riveting.

2) Oprah's network - OWN. Yeah, so, you should know about OWN...unless you've been living under a rock (in which case, I'm compelled to make the same joke I've made about 2302039x in here which is 'how can you access the internet if you're living under a rock then?! HUH!?'. I'm funny). Granted, the network has some holes in programming (for example, sometimes it will play old 'Dr. Phil' episodes over and over again instead of, say, offering new programs...but), but sometimes, she offers INTERESTING shows...like...a show called 'Primetime' where Diane Sawyers visits different parts of the country and interviews people living there. I watched an episode a few days ago about children living in Appalachia. WHAT. THE. FUCK. YO. ?.

3) Teen Mom. I was bound to start caring about this show again. Check out Amber's stink face. She is horrible. No I didn't doctor this to make her look hideous. That is just how she looks.

4) The Wire. HA HA HA. So, I was really good about finishing up season 1 of 'The Wire'...well...if 'really good' means it took me about 3 months to finish 14 episodes. I started season 2 three weeks ago...I'm now 1 episode in. OH BOY.

5) Tia & Tamara. Well, I watched one episode of this...so I don't want to imply that I've been habitually watching it. That being said, I would habitually watch it because I found it very entertaining. Do you remember the Mowry twins? From 'Sister Sister'? Weren't you all young girls in the early 90's who would have enjoyed a show like that? Anyway, the twins are now ALL GROWNNNNNNNNN UP and one of them is pregnant and the other is planning a wedding. Talk about LIFE MOMENTS, am I right?

6) 30 Rock. Well, not really. But last night Joel and I watched the ep from season 4 that James Franco is in. He looks weird, no? Looked weird - past tense? Anyway...didn't do it for me the way I thought it would.

In conclusion, lots of TV. Maybe tomorrow I'll update you on what books I've been reading (read: you all now have something to live for)...!!!!

A letter to Ashley H

I don't know about you, but I've been watching REALLY shitty TV lately, including, but not limited to 'Teen Mom', 'The Golden Girls' (well, this might not qualify as 'really shitty TV' but hey), and, obviously, 'The Bachelorette'.

Yeah, I'm a bit surprised I'm regressing back and watching 'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette' like I did in high school, but there are reasons for everything in the overarching plan of the universe, right? Is that too deep for this blog?

Anyway, last night I took out two movies from the library. Yes, this is somehow relevant. Excitedly, I planned a date night for myself that involved one of those two movies, a watermelon feta salad (nom nom nom - FOR REAL) , and some sangria (glug glug glug - off the HIZZY). After getting stitches out (oh yeah, I had stitches in my head NBD) , I went to the grocery store, purchased ingredients for my salad and sangria, and headed home.

Of 'Milk' and 'Lars and The Real Girl', I opted for 'Milk' since I haven't seen it before and like...something about it being good and lots of other people having seen it and recommending it. I think that sentence was a mistake, but oh well. Live and learn! Well, the movies wouldn't open because APPARENTLY you can't do self check out at the New York Public Library...because if they allowed that then people would probably just be stealing DVDs left and right (be realistic, please) ...because they have anti-theft devices on the cases and they won't open unless the "librarian" (no, the quotes are not necessary there. WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?!?!) takes it off (OH HI).

So then, not wanting to actually...talk to someone or read, I opted for some on demand programming. Enter the finale episode of 'The Bachelorette'. I watched and watched...I saw about 40 commercials for 'The Help' (NO JOKING)...and then, at the end, I was shocked. How could Ashley H.

Pick JP?

Sure they look great together:

But, don't she and Ben look happy?

And isn't Ben a winemaker?

(I think this is a pic of a guy crushing a bottle of wine on his head. Why is that a good idea?)

A letter to Ashley H:

Dear Ashley,

When I watched you on last season of 'The Bachelor' I thought you were annoying. Also, I thought your head looked a little bit weird...almost like you were a dwarf. You second-guessed everything in your relationship with Brad and ultimately, because of that, went home.

Was I happy to find out that you would be this season's bachelorette? Obviously not. But, I figured that time heals all wounds (I currently have a fortune from a fortune cookie that says just that on my desk), and that maybe, after watching how off-putting you were during 'The Bachelor' you'd do some soul-searching and reform your ways. I thought, maybe, you had changed.

As you stood waiting outside 'The Bachelor' mansion during this season's first episode, I thought you looked great (yeah, eventually your brown hair extensions grew on me), and I hoped for the best.

Almost immediately, you started up with your same shit. You wondered why all the guys in the house and if they like, really liked you. It was, once again, annoying and off-putting.

Then, you fell for a guy, Bentley, who talked shit about you behind your back (I gotta admit, that sucks and I feel for you on that one, much respect). Even though he left go home early (Have you read 'He's Just Not That Into You'? I highly recommend it) you still pined after him and, awkwardly, told all the other guys about it. Why would you do that? Keep shit to yourself. And then you had Chris, the host of the show, bring him back...mistakes - you make them!

As the show progressed, and the guys feelings grew stronger, you grew more insecure often saying 'I mean, the guys could go home at any second!'. Well, if you keep acting like that, yes.

And, episode to episode, you talked about Ben and how cute he is, and how great he is, and how much you two laugh, and how he's like your best friend and how you can, undoubtedly, see a future with him. To be fair, you also talked about JP, and how great he was, and how he had been your rock throughout 'all of this drama' (barf!).

But, I really thought you'd pick Ben. I really did. You like wine, don't you? And instead, after your sister condemned your choice, and after you had a PERFECT, EASY, WONDERFUL, date with Ben...you picked JP.

Look, I get it. JP is nice. He's been hurt before. And I mean, I say this as a plus in this case, he's Jewish.

But, you shocked me and I think, in some ways, you SHOCKED AMERICA! YES! ALL OF AMERICA! EVERYONE WATCHES THIS SHOW! uh... Just because you like kissing JP, and I think he might be better in bed than Ben (come on, we're all grown ups here and if we're not we probably shouldn't be on the INTERNET), doesn't mean he'll make a better husband for you than Ben.

Actually, I really dislike you, so maybe I can spin this in a way that it's better you didn't take Ben off the market since you're not worthy of him? But then, you're not really worthy of JP, either.

In conclusion, Ashley, keep dying your hair, keep putting in hair extensions, keep being goofy (not a negative thing, actually), keep being insecure, and I hope that eventually I will forget you dominated my Monday nights for a time. I'm sure your lack of self-confidence and TMI-mouth won't pose any problems in your lifetime of happiness with JP. I'm sure once the attraction is gone you'll have plenty of things to talk about and things will be just fine.

False,

Becky

Things I won't do until September (or maybe even OCTOBER!)

IT IS AUGUST. And, I just found a batch of checks in my room meaning that I don't have to pay my rent in cash today. Yes, I was seriously considering that. I talked to Debbie and Jason about it. I wasn't even drunk.

With August comes a looming sense of fall around the corner. Actually, that's the opposite of what I mean. IT IS ALMOST GOING TO BE FALL EVERYONE!!!!! Well, in 7 weeks? I regret bringing this up now.

How have all of your summers been? So far, mine's been good? I have NOT been getting enough sleep / had enough time to be bored out of my skull in my apartment, which means I have been going out of town on the weekends, had people staying chez moi, hitting up various city pursuits during the weekend days and at night and...you know, living the dream / dreaming about living the dream (a girl's gotta sleep! am I right? am I right?)

As I sit and endure some of the more negative aspects of summer (read: THE HEAT), I think about things that I don't do in the summer / am anxiously waiting to do again in the fall:

1) Wear pants. OH MAN. As it is, my legs expand out from shorts like rising dough in an oven. I'm like 'I swore these things used to fit...I mean, I've been working out so I'm sure this is muscle weight?' I can't bear the idea of wearing shorts, really, let alone pants. I see people wearing jeans and I wonder if maybe I'm going through my change of life early. Then I remember that it's 90 degrees and no, that's not subjectively hot. THAT IS HOT.

2) Eat soup. Remember soup? I really enjoy a good cup of soup with crackers (OH HI HALE & HEARTY! I'm lookin' at you). But, can you imagine eating soup right now? I mean, when I'm in Cape Cod next week I will PROBABLY HAVE to have a cup of clam chowder but...that's it. Like how I casually dropped that I'm going to CC next week? True story.

3) Look cute when I'm sleeping. I don't drool that much when I'm sleeping, and have a relatively calm look on my face, resulting in what I have to assume is a cute appearance as I doze. In the summer, I flail around because of the heat in my room, and though I have two fans running, to cool off even more, I usually throw my hair up in a messy looking bun. In the morning, when I get out of bed, about 10 hairs remain in the bun, and the rest of my hair is sticking out in a faux lion's main. NOT. CUTE. No drooling though...just sayin'

4) Sit outside during the day in direct sunlight. Yeah. Shade is my best friend. OH. Did you think you were my best friend? UM...I mean I really like you. I just don't think we 'connect' on that level, you know?

5) Straighten my hair. Is there ever really a good time to straighten hair? In the winter, it snows and rains all the time...which is like...HORRIBLE for straightening hair. And in the summer, it RAINS from your pores into your hair (get it? ewww)...so what's the point in trying to do your hairs only to have them made curly again by humidity outside and sweat? In other news, I just bought a new hair straightener so...hey!

6) Drink a hot toddy. I know this seems obvious, I'm just sayin'.

7) Look attractive to any guys (see above). So basically, if I meet a guy now / have already met a guy and he thinks 'oh hey, you're doin' alright'...imagine how hot I'm suddenly going to be in September. A diamond in the rough, if you will.