Some thoughts...and thank yous and other bla blas

Well, it is almost Thanksgiving again. I am super excited! How about you?

***this just in***

I am still excited but am currently being held captive at my desk. WHAT THE FUCK! FUCK FUCK! That's right. Not FUDGE. FUCK. I was told by many reputable sources that my office would be closing at 1:30 today, you know, the day before one of the most important National holidays we have. And now, here it is, 3:00, and I'm going to be here for another hour and a half. In the grand scheme of humanity, and suffering that is taking place RIGHT NOW fine. This isn't a big deal. But in my life, this is extremely disappointing. We were gonna go to the bra guy! I need bras! And to answer your question, yes, I would like some cheese with my whine. nom nom.

**********

With Thanksgiving comes an excuse to overeat, and to be quiet / not talk to anyone (read: be pensive, and think about all the things you’re thankful for. If someone asks you why you’re not talking and have been staring at the TV all day in your sweatpants, you can just say something like ‘I’m not NOT talking. GOD! This is my mini-vacation for CHRISSAKES! And I’m just thinking about all the things I’m thankful for. Like you. LOVE YOU!...AND to wear sweatpants. LOVE THAT!)

Have I mentioned sweatpants? I really, really, really dig sweatpants. Besides dresses, sweatpants and t-shirts take up most of my wardrobe. I seem to go from 0 – 180. I either dress like I am going out on a date, or dress like I’ve never been on a date in my life and don’t plan on leaving the house in the next 24 hours.

I mean, I have jeans but…they’re just like…uncomfortable. I mean, sometimes when I sit I have to suck in so I don’t hang over them like a muffin (TMI?) and other times they are too short or too long. And other times they stretch out when I’m wearing them so in social settings I have to stand so I don’t contribute to the problem any further. Have you ever gone out to dinner and stood the whole time? WAY WEIRD. WAY! Also, I haven’t actually done that.

I am thankful for many things. I’ve done that list before. Lest you think I’ve become a huge douchebag (I’m only a medium-sized jerkface thankyouverymuch), I’ll briefly list things that I’m thankful for:

1) Tivo. Thanks for clicking at me, and for making the sound of a bongo drum when I hit something inappropriate. Thanks for recording ‘Oprah’ and ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ and ’30 Rock’ for me.

2) People. Do I really have to list off different sub-groups of people to appease all of you? That seems like it would take a lot of time and, obviously, since I’m blogging instead of doing something else, you can tell that I don’t really have a lot of time. I am thankful for all of you, and all the people you know (well just the ones that I know and also like, if we're going to be real about it), and everyone reading this, and the guy who wrapped up my Baja Fresh burrito for me yesterday (you did a great job!), and the guy who looked like a hotter version of Macauley Culkin on the subway this morning, and, more people. EVEN MORE PEOPLE.

3) Naps. Naps are just...so wonderful, aren't they?

4) The dress I'm wearing today. WOW. It is hiding all my problem areas and is making me look super skinny. SUPER. SKINNY. Don't worry. I'm not (lest you think I become one of those skinny bitches who is unrelateable.)

5) Gold. I don't really have any gold but, I'm thankful for it anyway.

6) My facebook pet, Pampz. It's been a while since I mentioned her, hasn't it? Caitlin gave me this awesome thing that made Pampz into a half-robot-pet for the next three days...ch-check it:

7) Freedom. Well, not right now since I'm being held captive in my office. But in general, you know, I can usually do things when I want to...at least on Saturday.

8) THEY JUST SAID WE CAN LEAVE. BAI!

Things I like about my new apartment

Well, I moved. You should all know that because, you might talk to me, or you definitely read this blog.

It was a pretty smooth move. Nothing broke (except my heart…jk?), and it didn’t take that long (the actual move took about 2.5 hours…not including a trip to UHAUL to pick up the truck / fall in love with the guy working there) and I was able to lay out my room the way I wanted (with the bed by the back window/ door obviously). And Laura went early in the morning and got the cable set up so that later on that night when I needed a mental break my friends at Bravo were waiting for me.


Sigh.

But then came the unpacking. I sort of jumped on it because I knew if I didn’t unpack right away I would be living out of the suitcases and boxes for the next year (if you think I’m exaggerating…you’re sweet), and that didn’t appeal to me, so I just stared at my furniture for a while and then decided where t-shirts should go, which drawer would be good for long sweat pants (as opposed to the shorts drawer-duh!), where I should house my yearbooks (if you’re ever over, you can look at them, if you promise not to make fun of my hair or what clubs I was in…ahem…) and then, yeah.

Laura was officially moved in the next day, and slowly we started to put together furniture, and get kitchen supplies and now, about two weeks after the big day, we’re basically donezo.

And let me tell you, the place is looking good! This is the first apartment I’ve ever lived in where I own the majority of the furniture, and where I’ve been able to visualize a blank space and conceive of where I wanted to put everything.

Now that the place is good to go, let me tell you what I like about it:

Things I like about my new apartment:

1) No Jamie and Shane. BOO BOO BOO. Jk! But I assume that Jamie will be reading this at some point (Shane doesn’t really read, you guys. He watches TV by himself and yells at the screen…). Oh, should I mention that the two of them just got engaged?! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Larry, who lived in Shane’s room before Shane, just got engaged, too. Giuliana, who I lived with senior year of college, is also married. In conclusion, if you live with me, you are probably going to get married soon / are already married.

(that is legitimately her ring on a vine...AHHH!)

2) My bedroom. I have two windows that bring in a lot of sunlight AND a door to the backyard (kind of weird, but kind of cool). My bed now has a tempurpedic mattress topper and my clothes are arranged nicely and easy to access (read: not over-packed in drawers that don't fit them and that end up getting stuck). My door doesn’t rattle on the hinges or blow closed when there’s a breeze outside because I don’t have a hole in my wall for an air conditioner and the hole that isn’t there doesn’t have an ill-fitting cover that needs to be taped down over and over and over again!


That open space you can see is also perfect for fashion shows AND dance parties AND is right in front of a mirror. WIN!

3) My bathroom shower curtain. SO. CUTE. Thanks, Target (and Jamie…geez…you just will not go away, will you? ;))


4) My living room (two words apparently). There’s a cute little table and chairs in there now, and a little reading nook, and a futon couch that can be made into two chaise loungers (you can expect a full report the day after that feature is used and abused). Not to mention the TiVo brand DVR (TiVO is so cool, you guys! It clicks and beeps at you, like it really ‘gets’ you. And, eventually, it’ll even suggest shows for me and record programs it thinks I’ll like. My friends don’t even do that! Except Debbie, who constantly tells me about shows I should / never will watch. If only she would record them for me…maybe I’d get around to watching them.) we have through RCN and the stocked (thanks everyone who came to my birthday party!) bar table in the corner.


5) My BACK YARD! AHHHH! We have our own back yard, with little clothes lines and potted plants. My landlord is out there a lot (creepy / convenient) jazzing it up. I can’t wait til it’s not winter anymore (it isn’t even winter yet, is it?) so I can go outside and work on de-paling myself.

6) LAURA! Laura is pretty cool. She makes me abuelita hot chocolate and listens to my rants about nothing when I come home at the end of the day. She even invites me out to Brooklyn with her (read: she doesn’t mind being seen in public with me) and her friends!

7) My landlord. WOW. He is the dad from 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'-no kidding.

But please, don’t make me do all the work and invite you over. You’re welcome to come whenever I’m not busy, or feel like talking to you, or don’t have a lot of TV to catch up on, or if it’s not Monday – Friday or Saturday. Also, if you’ve been counting, since I am going through a phase, there are 17 parentheseseses in here. WOWIE KAZOWIE.

An addition

Kate sometimes comments on this blog (like JASON!) and other times gchats me with thoughts.

Today, she chatted me and reminded me of a song that I love: If you're into it by Flight of the Conchords. Brett sets out to write a love song for this lady-interest, Coco. He talks of swallowing swords and climbing tall mountains. Gemaine counters Brett's claims and says 'Why don't you write about something you'd actually do for a girl if you liked her?'.

This is what Brett comes up with.

This is the kind of love song that should be mass-marketed (well, it was on HBO...but who can afford that ~*~* PREMIUM ~*~*~ channel in THIS recession?).

Enjoy

Thoughts on Love Songs

I used to really like love songs. I mean, I was an *NSYNC fan after all. When I heard words like 'I'll never leave you' and 'I'll always be here for you' and 'I think about you all day' I swooned and pretended that all these manufactured heart-throbs were singing to me. I thought about my future, when a 'prince charming' character would come into my life, and save me from boredom and whatever else I was afraid of (failing tests? not making it in life?).

I thought the idea of someone being DESPERATE and CRAZY for me was romantic. I was desperate and irrational at the time (13-19 was basically crazy...am I RIGHT?!!!!)... and I felt like all these people singing to me on the radio (or on my CD player....hehe...am I dating myself?). I was so special. I was what they'd been looking for (where had they been looking? The mall? The diner? Because that's mostly where I was spending my time).

Then, I went through a pop-punky (keep your comments to yourselves, please) phase. These songs were ANTI-love songs. They mostly dealt with feelings of being unfairly treated, and talked about how SHITTY love was. And life. And how cool it was to be DIFFERENT. And how you didn't NEED anyone to like you because you didn't like anyone, either. I don't know how productive these songs were. I mean, it is good to do your own thing, but to actively curse other people for being cliche and conforming...eh. Who cares?

As was the case with my *NSYNC phase, I went to many concerts when I was into pop-punk. I moshed along with the best of them. I got autographs. Things were good.

And now, I'm kind of over that stuff, too. I got to concerts but...teenagers have replaced me in the audience of shows I would have gone to a few years ago, and the whole thing just seems overdone. I mean, BACK IN MY DAY, there were a lot of bands to choose from...some indie start up labels...now there are just way too many choices and everything sounds the same.

And what about love songs?

Well, apart from the occasional indulgence (Matt Nathanson 'Come On get Higher' comes to mind), I think that most love songs are ridiculous. Love songs play into the insecurity, irrationality, and retarded-ness of love. Just listen to Richard Marx who croons 'Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you'. What the F is that? Richard Marx, go out and eat some dinner! Go call you boys! Stop waiting for this girl (or guy...hmmm) to come around and spend time with you. You're better than that.

And what about lyrics like 'I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more...just to be the man to walk 1,000 miles to fall down at your door'? Really? Does this guy not have a car or access to public transportation?

The Backstreet Boys sang 'I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me'. UM. I care. If you killed someone, or like, once pushed an old lady over, it probably will interfere with my feelings for you.

In the mid 90's Mariah Carey promised 'You'll always be my baby'...how can you really be sure? Her relationship with Nick Cannon (I don't even know where to begin) is her longest to date, isn't it? And that's been going on for like, what, 3 months?

And, lately, I've been into a song by Bruno Mars that I have to ignore the words to in order to appreciate the catchy beats. He says 'I'd catch a grenade for you, put my hand on a blade for you...you know I'd do anything for you'...why? Is he a samurai warrior? No need to catch a grenade in my defense. Are there grenades in Queens?

In conclusion, I'm probably revealing a lot about myself in this post, but I just think love songs are silly. Let's have more songs about cooking dinner together, and watching 'The Office' on TiVo, and remembering to pick up that laundry from the dry cleaners. That's what real relationships seem to be about...not fantastical promises of self-mutilation and time spent waiting. Real relationships seem to be about balance, and commitment, and quality time...so why not craft more songs about those themes, than about, I don't know, wanting to die because someone isn't around and calling repeatedly until someone picks up.

In conclusion again, let's all just listen to 'Fuck You' by Cee Lo Green on repeat. Not because the message is necessarily great, but because it's catchy as...FUCK!

Whoopsy

So remember how Kate and I did that thing, where we asked each other questions, and then I posted them in here?

And then I said that Kate had only asked me 9 questions? And I made fun of her or something (did I really, though?).

Well, I went back through my e-mails, after Kate gchatted me, and mentioned on the phone twice, that she had asked me 10 questions and I just didn't answer all of them, and found out that she was right. Kate asked me 10 questions and I forgot to answer one.

I apologize.

I was wrong.

I am a a shadow of a person. I am so low.

Here's the question Kate posed me:

What do you miss about me most now that I live in Podunk, USA?
I am tempted to say 'nothing' since she SASSED ME about this, but I will answer honestly. I miss us hanging out, casually, now that you're not here. It's fun going to visit you and having you visit me...and doing the whole 'sleepover' thing...but it was nice being able to do drinks with you, or catch a movie with you, and just hang out. I miss doing random, last-minute New York City things with you. In conclusion, Pennsylvania Shmennsylvania I say!

An interview, pt. 2

Anyone else having problems...

OK. I started this entry a little bit ago and I can't remember what I was saying there...what point I was ultimately getting at?

Since I can't continue that sentence, it looks like I'm wondering if you have any problems. Well, do you ?. Good. Me either.

How did you all enjoy Kate's interview? GOOD. Great!

Here's my half of our joint-interview series (not sure what I'm talking about? a) you' are really dumb b) for real c) you are so dumb and d) go to the last entry and read about my inspiration). Kate posed the questions in purple to me, and I responded thusly:

1) What is it like for you to be the pretty one?
I think a better question for us both is, what is it like to be labeled so specifically in our family? And I don't know how to answer this. To answer this I feel like I have to agree with my label of 'The Pretty One', but from what mom has said, she views me as 'The Well-Rounded' child in the family. So then I assume that this idea of me being 'The Pretty One' is from you. Is that true? If it is, it's hard for me, knowing that you think I am prettier than you, and that you don't view yourself as attractive. I think you're the only person I know who thinks I'm 'prettier' than they are. In conclusion, it is uncomfortable.

2) What is the hardest part of being my sister?
We talked about this last night but, sometimes I feel like another person in the general public to you. Like you are my Rabbi, instead of my sister.

3) How did you feel when I moved out of the house to go to college?

I don't remember specifically. I remember missing you, A LOT. You always kept me safe, and took care of me at home, so when you were gone I'm sure I felt vulnerable. I do think things were calmer around the house, so that was probably relaxing. I liked getting to visit you, though. Baltimore was some, exotic, place. Not to mention The Paper Moon diner.

4) Is there something you always wanted to tell me but never did?

Yes. If I want to be a jerk, I could just leave it at that but I think you actually want to know what that is, don't you? When you became more religious, after being in Israel, I was upset like everyone else in the family. I felt like we couldn't relate in the same way that we had before. But I also felt like I couldn't tell you I was upset about it because I was your ally in the family. I always will be, by the way...but...that doesn't mean I have to agree with everything you believe in or even understand it.

5) Do you think I should get a pet, and what kind of pet would suit me?

I thought you'd never ask. Open up your facebook and search for 'Pet Society'. Then CREATE your pet (any color you like, baby!), and then let's talk.

(p.s. I made those conversation bubbles so Pet Society isn't creepy...I am. I don't want them to get a bad reputation even though I've already hammered the last nail into my coffin)

6) What life lesson do you think I need to learn?

The world is here for you...not out to get you.

7) What is your favorite story about the two of us?

HMM...I don't know if I have a favorite 'story' about the two of us. Or even a favorite 'memory'. We have so many! I like remembering all the sleepovers we've had, and stupid TV shows we've watched, and giggled about, with our nostrils flaring (I think yours do that, too...not just mine). I also liked when we used to do karaoke at like...6 pm...just 1 song...in that empty bar in the East Village. I was telling someone about that the other day.

8) What do you think my future husband should be like?

I think he should be GREAT just like you. He should be thoughtful, and funny. He should be practical and more pragmatic, since you lean towards creativity. He should like to buy presents for people that you're related to. He should be Jewish. He should like to travel. He should be related to Ryan Gosling, so that he can get me an in.

(Yes that is obviously ME and Ryan Gosling...I've been working out) (If you're wondering how many pictures of him I can put in this blog I guess you'll just have to wait and see)

9) What do you really want to be when you grow up?

I think I still want to be a radio DJ. really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought we were supposed to do 10 questions each, Kate! SLACKER! If you think of something else I'll do another post <3

An interview, pt. 1

Hey There!

LONG. TIME. NO. TALK. for you. Except Jason. Who hasn't read any of the entries on this blog, but at least visited it, did a CTRL + F dealie for his name, and commented on all the entries where I've mentioned him.

Erin (you know her, right? we went to college together...and she'd love to tell you a story about the first time I got really drunk. this story would obviously be a fable cuz I don't even know what alcohol is) sent me a link to a website this morning called 'www.therumpus.net'.

What is that? She explained it was an online magazine about CULTURE (as opposed to pop culture). I was curious, so I went to the website. Almost immediately I found an interview of two sisters. Something about one of them being a lesbian and both of them being really close? The sisters took turns interviewing each other and I found it to be an interesting read.

HERE: http://therumpus.net/2010/10/the-funny-women-interview-the-soloway-sisters/#more-64584

I thought, since I have a blog, and I have a sister, I should copy these two ladies. A little background on me and my sister, Kate.

Here's a picture of her:

She's whatever age you want to think she is. She's a Rabbi. She works at a University in NOWHERE, PA (but there is a roller-skating rink there...where I fell and hit my head...and got a bruise that started drooping down into my eyelid). She reads. She writes. She keeps me company. SHE IS OLDER (ha!)

The first part of this 2 part series is questions that I posed to Kate, that she answered. Read and enjoy :)

1) If you could be a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? why?
So the first thing that popped into my mind was a reuben. It has rye bread, which is an interesting flavor--it looks like flavorless bread, but it so isn't! Then there is pastrami (delish!) and there is melty cheese, both of which are comforting (and fatty, or because they are fatty). Then there is the sauerkraut, and interesting tang and texture, but one that is necessary to the composition. Mmmmm.

2) Why do you like me so much?
A little presumptuous, but I will roll with it. I like your sense of humor, and your general positive approach to life. I like that you introduce me to things and keep me young. I like that you aren't intimidated by me.

3) What would you say is your most embarrassing moment?
Oh goodness, where to begin? The most embarrassing was being pantsed in the hallway of Dolan on the way to the cafeteria. It was the most embarrassing because embarrassment encompassed my whole body in a way it's never done before or since, and because everyone was laughing and I felt ultimately alone in my embarrassment

4) If you won $1 million what would you do with it?
Pay back my student loans, yours, and Josh's medical bills. The rest I would invest for Chewbecca. And I would take a vacation to somewhere far, like Australia or India, or both!

5) Describe your ideal romantic match.
Someone funny, some thoughtful and compassionate, someone with his own life and interests, someone who wouldn't let me turn him into my satellite.

6) Oliver Stone called for you today. Seriously. He said he's interested in making a movie of your life-to-date. Who's going to star in it? Describe 4 scenes from that movie.
So the young me would be played by Ariel Winter. The grown up me would be played by Mary Louise Parker, or Melissa McCarthy.

Opening scene: me running around the concentric circles of the kindergarten rug while mom and a teacher try to get me to sit and take the test to get into kindergarten early. I failed.

Another scene: learning to drive with 800 feet of snow and ice on the road.

Another scene: directing The Complete Works of Shakespeare in college, missing the dress rehearsal for the first seder I ever hosted, and having a kid tell me at the end of the weekend that he came to all three shows because it was so funny.

Another scene: bringing a gun to my head while sitting in my office at SU and typing this answer because it is so fucking long!

7) What song do you identify with most?
It depends on my mood. This is a song I listen to when I am feeling a bit frazzled:



It just speaks to me, and I feel like I am getting good personal advice.

8) If you were a color what color would you be? why?
This also depends on my mood. Lately I have been feeling more red, maybe because I have a fever and am feeling hot. I also have been doing this mindfulness thing on Wednesday evening, and when I just sit with myself, I try to feel my blood flowing, doing it's business.

9) Why do you like me so much? Oh, I already asked that. What do you like about you so much?
I like that I am genuinely on a path of self-awareness and self-development.

10) What are you doing for the rest of the day?
I have a conference call, then I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for fertility drugs, then mindfulness, then bed.

(this interview was conducted on Wednesday, November 10th, 2010.)
(this entry is being posted on Thursday, November 11th, 2010.)

I am NOT interested

So there's this guy who's been into me in a BIG way lately. I know, you're probably all surprised. You probably had me mapped out as an asexual sea sponge who guys wouldn't be into.

It's OK.

Most people think that (...despite my WONDERFUL personality and big, blue eyes and hairz that sometimes arrange themselves into a nice pattern...and my boots. My boots are great (aside: I just got a new pair of boots yesterday that are a-maz-ing. WOW. I feel kind of guilty about getting them since I just spent roughly $1 billion on car repair stuff over the weekend AND majorly hit up KOHLS but....))

I just did a parenthesis inside of a parenthesis. WOW.

But regardless of what YOU people think about ME...sometimes things / people / animals of the male persuasion like me. I don't spend all of my nights at home watching '30 Rock' (yeah I'm getting into it) alone / not dating. Just most of them.

So this guy, has just been like...all up in my business. And without being too explicit, because I am at work right now, I need to say that this ONLY happens at work. And, before you try to remember where I work, and start to dial the head of my HR department I need to add that this guy is not an employee of my organization. So, though his passes at me are PRETTY obvious...there's not much I can do about it.

OK. You're probably wondering who this mythical creature akin to unicorns and Harry Potter is.

I actually was able to get a few pictures of him. It was hard...but I think I was able to do it without him noticing. My heart is racing...I'm nervous.


OK there he is. Yup. The paperclip from the Microsoft help section.



I don't understand why he's on my computer! I have outlook open, but I thought the paperclip was only for HARD programs...or programs that involved lots of different functions...like...word or excel. Do people need help with outlook?

OK, and even if people DO need help with outlook...I'm not one of them. I didn't need 'help' in outlook recently. I don't know if I've used the 'help' section at all at my new job, actually. And also, even if I had used 'help' (I didn't, but I'm just saying...god...now I seem guilty. yikes), I didn't select ANYTHING that said 'I'm nervous using this program. Can you have the paperclip keep me company while I navigate these rough waters?'.)

So why is he there, just lurking, looking at me? Today I was in excel, working on a spread sheet. I closed out of it when I was done, looked up and saw the following:


And then I lost it. I said 'WTF?! ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!'. He didn't say anything. Stared back at me blankly...like I'm the crazy one when he's been basically stalking me for a few days.
'Dude, I don't know how you got here...or why you're here...or what your name even is (mine's Becky by the way...but since you live in my computer and are all up in my e-mail you probably know that. GROSS), but I'm really not interested.'

At that point he made himself into a paper airplane and disappeared (oh good...play hard to get, weirdo....wait. come back! I'm not done talking to you yet.)

He appeared, again, in his original form of the 'smiley paperclip' and I continued my rant.

'I understand that I'm a young lady. And that I wear cute boots. And that today I am dressed like a rainbow. I get that. You're a guy (you are, right? are you? you are, right? are you? you? ?) and I'm me, and I'm cute...and some people might say the sun shines out of my eyes (and my butt...oh hey!). But, I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm looking for a consensual relationship, on both ends, and this lurking that you're doing is not OK'd by me. Maybe, we can get to know each other first, and like...get a drink or coffee? But please, don't invade my personal space. Don't wait for me on my computer in the morning. Don't POP your eyes out at me when I'm trying to gchat. Whatever you do, DO NOT interrupt my gchatting time. DON'T DO IT. There will be consequences. In conclusion, I am not interested. If I am interested in the future, I will let you know.'

I felt good. I had said my piece. I think he heard me...you know? And then:


I give up.

Things that I'm clumsy about / at / in doing (continued)

HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

It occurred to me that there are MANY more things I'm clumsy about / at / in doing so...I should list them, lest these things come up and we're hanging out and you're like 'but you never blogged about how that is hard for you...are you getting dumber at things?'

1) Picking out a box from a display of shoes. Last week I attempted this on my lunch break and knocked 10 boxes of shoes through a display unit. MAD AWKWARD. Especially when I didn't buy anything...he he he.

2) Finding my keys in my purse. My purse is apparently like Mary Poppin's bag. There's a lamp in there (since when have I been carrying a lamp?), and a dollhouse, and an umbrella...but where the F are my keys and how long can I possibly paw around in here until I find them?


3) Assembling furniture. If you have a painting party, and I'm free, I might go. An IKEA building party with beer...I'll pass.

Things that I'm clumsy about / at / in doing

I am built like a German milkmaid and yet I bruise like a banana.

I have hips for birthing octuplets and the shoulders of an Olympic swimmer...and yet I make contact w/ the side of a coffee table and am practically hospitalized. practically.

I don't know if I was really clumsy as a kid. It's possible. Most of my memories of my childhood involve watching 'The Little Mermaid' on repeat, then watching 'Beauty & The Beast' on repeat, then watching 'Aladdin' on repeat (remember when Disney movies used to be good?), then talking to myself in a high pitched voice, and coloring (on the piano that one time...mom was super happy) , and changing my clothes a lot (still do that...woo?). I don't have too many vivid memories of hurting myself or spilling or making a general mess of things that I came into contact with.

But actually, now that I'm typing this out...I do remember the summer I learned to bike ride and how I skinned my knees...over and over again. I have a hard time with scabs and now my knees look like this:

And then there was that time in 6th grade where we were walking down to the field to fly paper airplanes for a science experiment and I simply fell on pavement and cut my legs so deeply that I had to go to the nurse. And...huh.

Well, I'm not sturdy...though I am big. And don't go off on me about how I'm not 'fat'. I'm not saying I am. I am just kind of large. Wouldn't you think that someone who's a decent size should be able to exist in the world easily? Door handles aren't too high. The top shelf isn't really 'the top shelf'...it's just a shelf. And yet...here I am...and here we are.

Where are you going?

Things I'm clumsy about /at / in doing:

1) Walking. Is that sidewalk uneven? Oh...it isn't? huh.

2) Walking up stairs. Is a stair missing or something? Oh it's not. Huh.

(Don't know what this has to do with 'falling up stairs' but that's what I typed into google's image search...and this is one of the results I got. hmmm)

3) Walking through doorways. I don't know where my body ends and other things begin...so...I'm not good at evaluating walking through spaces. If a doorway is 5 feet wide I'll still somehow manage to graze the wall and rub myself up against the far left or right of it. Sometimes I get bruises doing this. Sometimes it's painful doing this. All the time it's awkward doing this. Or should I say 'that'?

4) Turning. My body also doesn't navigate corners very well. As you can imagine, t-ball can be overwhelming.

5) Stirring. Pretty much always results in spills.

6) Pouring. Pretty much always results in spills...and arguments if another person is involved.

YOU: WTF!

ME: LOOK. I'M SORRY I SPILLED ON YOU. It wasn't intentional. It will come out. Though, you're kind of being a douche right now so if we could go back in time it would have been on purpose. What's that? Nothing.

(Comment on this picture: What if you are an adult? What then?!)

7) Taking off clothes. My head might be big (ok...it is) and my clothes might have small neck openings (OK...they don't)...but sometimes getting off my shirts is REALLY difficult. And let's not even get into the subject of taking off my pants. Seriously. Let's not.

8) Carrying things. I carry things on a daily basis...and it's never fun or easy. The bags slide off my shoulders and then as I slouch forward to rectify the situation my hair falls in my face and UGH. Then I'm dealing with my hair in my face (priorities people, priorities) and the bag continues to fall. Do other people have this problem? I can't be unique in this. In my wonderful sense of humor, yes...but in difficulties carrying things / hairs in face?

In conclusion, eh. I got nothin'.

Amy Sedaris = New BFF?

I have long been a fame monger and person who chooses acquaintances based on influence. That being said, I don't have any famous friends. Weird, isn't it? I've heard though that the more you want something the more elusive it is to you...so maybe that's why my 'friends' are all 'normal' average Joes and Jorginas.

Well...I should use 'normal' loosely. Anyone who hangs out with me of their own accord (and don't BS me with that 'you kind of FORCED me to hang out with you by sitting outside my apartment and sending me faxes at work with 'want to hang out? circle 'yes' or 'no' on them and calling me obsessively AND sexting me' excuse), has to be a bit off their rocker.

(Is this image glittering for all of you? WHOAA)

Anyway...I don't have any famous friends. I mean, JASON (are you ever going to read this? I'm not sending you the link. You're a smart guy. You should be able to remember the web address since you know my name and that I talk a lot) is kind of a big deal because of his pizza blog and such. And Debbie and Jason (another one) were in the beginning of 'Three Men And A Baby' or was it 'Three Men And A Little Lady'? Kate's a Rabbi, and has been published, and Michelle is all over the internetz (jeje--jk!). Not to mention Melissa who made a 'Free Enes' sign for the Rally to Restore Sanity last weekend and has been blowin' up. I have more friends than that but I can't go on too long (that's what he said?)

Anyway...I don't have any famous friends. Well, at least I didn't until last Thursday.

***

Cassie (!) invited me to go to a book signing of Amy Sedaris the Barnes & Noble in Union Square. I got there a bit early and saved us some seats (4th row---what what). I bought a copy of Amy's last book 'I like You' and started reading (The reason she was at 'Barnes & Noble' was to sign her NEW book 'Simple Times: Crafts For Poor People'...but that's only available in hard cover and I'm not rich...contrary to the pearls I wear and crown that I had surgically stitched to my head)

WHAT. A. FUNNY. BOOK. I got more excited. When Cassie (!) finally showed up (I had to...ok?) I was even more pumped.

Amy began with a demo of crafts from her new book. She was just as funny in person as I had imagined...not to mention her ADORABLE dress. After she demod, and answered some questions, we were allowed up to the signing table, one row at a time, to meet her and get something signed.

We waited patiently and went up to the stage. Cassie (!) was very excited. I was, too. But I was also nervous. What do you say to someone who makes a living by being funny? I fancy myself funny...but like...more situationally...and more if you know me.

Cassie (!) got her book signed, patted her boobs for Amy's approval, and moved on. It was my turn. Amy looked at me and said 'I like your dress!' and then prepared to sign my book. OMIGAH! SHE COMPLIMENTED MY DRESS. I blubbered something about it being from H&M. Then, somehow, the subject of Nicole Kidman's eyebrows came up and I recounted an entry from THIS very BLOG with pictures of Nicole Kidman modeling various eyebrows (none of which looked good. why is she so freaky looking?). Amy looked up from my book (well, really HER book but also mine...since I paid for it) and laughed. OMIGAH DEUX!

Sara was last but not least to have her book signed. Then we exited. AND got interviewed by PBS / PBS.com. Look for us online / on TV.

In conclusion, Amy Sedaris loves me. She likes my clothes (for the record, I wasn't wearing the above AWESOME dress that night...so that is not a pic of the outfit that won me my first celebrity friend). She thinks I'm funny. I'm sure we share similar values, and she's a girl, and I'm a girl...and we both live in New York City.

Reciprocally, I also find Amy funny and like her clothes. I also appreciate her 'art'. I think that we can be friends. I imagine us holding hands and skipping through Central Park. Or maybe sharing laughs over fondue. Or maybe watching re-runs of 'The Real Housewives of New York' together. But how do I make this happen? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

NATIONAL SANDWICH DAY

I used to spell sandwich 'sandwhich'...as if I had a choice. The thing is, I did. And I do. Sandwiches are AWESOME. If given some options of foods, or things I love, or inanimate objects I'd like to marry, I'd probably marry a sandwich.

I was talking to Rebecca yesterday (as I am wont to do from time to time). She told me it was national sandwich day. OH. MY. GOD. They really do have days for everything don't they?

Administrative Assistant Day.
National Carry Your Cat To Work Day.
Veterans Day.
International (really?) Talk Like a Pirate Day.

And now, a day to celebrate pieces of bread (good enough on their own if we’re going to be critical) around delicious things. Do any of you know that quote from ‘American Beauty’ that talks about your heart being so full of love that you feel like you could burst from the happiness of it all? Thinking of a day to celebrate sandwiches makes me feel like that.

Things I like about sandwiches 1) Bread. OH GOD. Bread is so good. Have any of you ever done the Atkins diet where you can’t eat carbs? It is so hard. First of all, no bread. Second of all, for the first week, NO CARBS AT ALL. Did you know vegetables have carbs in them?I didn’t either until I tried this diet. The thing is, it worked. The thing is, you gain it all back as soon as you look at any non-Atkins food so…probz not worth it. But anyway, bread is just so great! If you get it in France you can walk around it with it in your hand like a purse or a walking stick. If you get it in the US you can stick it in a little Ziploc bag or toast it and smother it with butter. Light. Fluffy. Yet, Hearty and Filling. BREAD!

2) Mustard. Mustard is something you can put on bread in a sandwich. I really like mustard. I had some mustard yesterday and was looking at the bottle. It's only 4 calories for 1 serving of Mustard. That got me to thinking...how many calories would it be if I ate a whole bottle of it? Should I be sharing this?

3) Dressing. Sometimes, if I don't have mustard, I will moisten (for those of you who like the word and/or are reading this out loud: MOISTEN MOISTEN MOISTEN) my bread of my sandwich (some people call sandwiches 'sangwiches' as a joke. What's that about? Is that funny?)
with salad dressing. Nom nom nom. Salad dressing is so good. OIL + SEASONINGS. I could probably drink it plain. What is my deal?

4) INSIDES. There are so many possibilities when it comes to sandwichinsides (is there a cuter way to say this?). MEAT? (*insert Homer Simpson noise here*) or JELLY (or as I like to call it 'gloppy sugar')? OR PEANUT BUTTER (or as I like to call it 'a way to make my apple less apple-y')? OR CHEESE (or as I like to call it 'why I'm having a hard time finding a mate')? OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS TOGETHER? A meaty, jelly-y, cheesey, peanutbuttery sandwich? OH GOD. please?

(author's note: please don't try to eat this. it's yarn)

5) Toasted. Sometimes, you can have a TOASTED sandwich. Warm, firm (but not too firm) bread...warms the heart, really.

6) Not too filling. Some foods that I like (for example: steak) are really filling. When you have them for a meal, you commit to them. There's no dating, I mean...eating...on the side. The thing is, I really like sides. I like fries. or chips. or carrot sticks. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. With a sandwich as a main course in a meal, I'm allowed to indulge in side options. I'm allowed to live according to the saying 'variety is the spice of life'. I really like that!

7) Transportable. I like my food on the go, thank you very much.


In conclusion, I hope you ate a sandwich yesterday because...I don't need to spell it out, do I?

Concluding again, I downloaded firefox at my new work computer so I can easily blog now...with pictures. Expect some more entries.