GUEST BLOGGER: Things I Learned on Maternity Leave

So this is the lovely woman who made the usual blogger in this spot an auntie.

Hi!

So today is my first day back at work after being on maternity leave for 3 months. The boys are at day care, and I am sitting in my office for the first time in a long time. There is so much to do, I am kind of overwhelmed. But then the blogger suggested I blog for her. Woo hoo! On the job for an hour and already wasting time. Sweet. OK, here goes.

Things I learned on Maternity Leave

1. Wardrobes are overrated. The original writer of this blog might disagree with me, but I wore the same 2 shirts, alternating days while the other was in the wash, for about 2 solid months. Not only that, but more often than not, there was spit up and all sorts of good stuff all over me. I would say it didn’t bother me (which it wouldn’t) but to be honest I didn’t even notice.

2. You need brain cells to read. And I’m not talking War and Peace. It took me two months to read one New Yorker magazine, and two weeks of that I was stuck on one page. The words wouldn’t sink in, even when I had the spare half hour to read.

BUT

3. You don’t need brain cells to read online. I stayed up on all my celebrity gossip during the past three months. What? Demi and Ashton are getting divorced? What? Katy and Russell are getting divorced? Wait, what? Sinead O’Connor got married? And divorced? In the same month? Yes. While I was on maternity leave.

4. Teen Mom 2 is an excellent educational tool. Many a time I told my boys, “You see that? You see how that girl keeps going back with that guy who treats her like garbage? You see how that girl spends more time on her hair than with her child? That is what we call bad decision making. Do NOT act like that. We’ll work on better decision making techniques as you get older.”

5. Having an advanced degree isn’t worth anything. Because all I do is talk about babies. And baby bowel movements. And baby clothes. And baby feeding habits. Ideas? Concepts? Enlightenment? I have forgotten most of the nouns I once knew, but I have many synonyms for the cloth I use to wipe the boys’ mouths.

6. I don’t like working. I mean, if I have to work, then my job is pretty awesome. But I can’t wait to be retired. Our mom sucks at being retired; she's always doing stuff. I want to just chillax until I feel like moving. I know what you are thinking (or what I am thinking)--this is just a reaction to being back at work and being away from the boys. Maybe I just want to be with them all day, like Donna Reed. But no, I don’t want to be a stay at home mom; I want free time that is mine. I want to take classes and walk in the park and do other chill old lady things.

There were many other lessons, but since I learned #5, I also learned #7: people get really bored when all you do is talk about babies.

So, PEACE OUT!