Forward Roll...

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, distinguished guests, members of the faculty and you. Today we're going to be discussing a new phenomenon in the outskirts of society. What is this phenomenon you ask?

The forward roll.

Figure 1: As a social scientist and trend setter I have jumped on the forward roll bandwagon without hesitation. And what a wild ride it has been!


Figure 2:

Before the forward roll was discovered or even "invented", I have much difficulty thinking about how I expressed myself during times of extreme embarrassment. Did I simply blush and turn away? Did I run out of the room? I truly can't remember.

But I digress. So what is the forward roll you might be asking yourselves? The forward roll is something that friends of mine in Washington, the District of Columbia, do when they are extremely frustrated, embarrassed or shamed.

To quote an amiable acquaintance of mine, Michelle "Let me introduce you to the forward roll. Basically you use it when everything in life has failed.... like calling your ex boyfriend by a new boy's name or not having executive clothes for a business meeting or when you ask a lady when she is due...and it turns out she is not pregnant...that kinda situation."

Figure 3:
In my personal experience, I've found that the forward roll is a good external enactment of the internal feelings of embarassment/shame. I also find that humming the tune to 'Christmas Time Is Here' is especially satisfying when positioning yourself for the forward roll. If you're going to be embarassed, I ask myself, why not enhance your embarassment to the nth degree?

*TO CLARIFY-a forward roll is not a SOMERSAULT. A forward roll is a movement that involves throwing your upper body down and letting your arms hang limp. It is an act of surrender.*

Here are some examples or forward roll moments as shared with me by my colleague Melissa:
"The Forward Roll is extremely useful in daily situations when you put your foot in your mouth. [It is especially useful if you have a habit of embarrassing yourself ] 18 times a day like I do."

She continued, "when you tell girl number one that another girl looks like a stripper (in a disapproving voice) only to have girl number one say, "I'm a stripper too. [that is an example for a forward roll]"

Incase you're confused I will clarify further. A stripper is someone who takes off their clothing for money.

Figure 4: Don't be ridiculous.

Here are some of my past musings on the forward roll:
"Another example of a forward roll that's related to pregnancy is: wearing the same shirt as a pregnant lady (when it's not a maternity top that you're wearing...) or drunk texting someone that they're stupid when it's their birthday (but you didn't know it was their birthday) or having your flip flop break when you're walking in downtown manhattan (this happened to my sister) and going into urban outfitters barefoot to buy NEW shoes but being told by the people working there that you can't be barefoot in the store."

Figure 5:
If you have any questions, feel free to re-read this lecture or to contact me via comment on this web page. As always, it has been a pleasure teaching you all something new and I look forward to your feedback on this very, very, VERY important matter.

Sincerely,
Becky E. ____ III (like I'd put my last name on here. PSH!)