Desperately Seeking...

...An employee. Kind of.

Yes, I know. It's confusing. Wasn't I just looking for a job? How am I in a place to employ someone? And furthermore, do I have ANY managerial skills? I can barely get out of bed in the morning...and I am very forgetful and slightly disorganized.

To be clear, I am still looking for a job. And I do, kind of have, managerial skills.


And I have, kind of, been snoozing A LOT in the mornings. It is just so hard to want to get up...to shower (which I don't like anyway)...to take the subway (which I don't like when I don't get a seat...which I never do in the morning)...to go to work (UGH infinity / if you don't know why this is UGH then please navigate away from this page)...to, you know, question why I'm here and what I'm doing...

No wonder I'm snoozing a lot. And by the time I get home, there are all these things I feel like I should be doing that I put off because I need down time or just want to go to bed. Take for example the laundry that I did two weeks ago that is still lying in my laundry bag, mostly folded...I just haven't had the energy/the desire to put it away.

And what about my taxes? I mean...I've never done them before...and my mom seems to be OK with 'helping me do them' (aka doing them herself)...but...they need to be done!

And what about that time that my car's window was broken for a month and a half. I don't know WHAT finally motivated me to get that shiz checked out and replaced but man...it was a struggle.

That's why I've decided that it's about time I hire a slave.

I know what you must be thinking...people don't hire slaves! Usually they take them by force. Right. Well, the thing is...see above. I can barely motivate myself to GET UP...how am I going to wrangle up a person? Not to mention how UN PC it is...

That's why I think it's better for everyone if I present this opportunity openly and take volunteers. That way no one can accuse me of being shady or violating human rights...

BECKY'S LIST

JOB POSTING: SLAVE NEEDED

JOB TITLE: SLAVE

START DATE: IMMEDIATELY (or you know, in a couple of weeks. Whatever is convenient for you)

SALARY: UNPAID

JOB DUTIES:

1) Wake me up

2) Pick out outfits for me. This job is ALL you, slavey. I can shower and all of that stuff...but picking out clothes is too hard. Franky, it takes up a lot of my time and I'm no longer OK with that. Get ready to express your inner fashionista! Oh what's that? You don't want to? Don't make me go slavemaster on your ass!

3) Carry me to work. Yeah, I'm over taking the subway. And, until it gets nicer out, and all these snow/dirt puddles go away, I'm over walking, too. My commute would be much more relaxing, I've decided, if someone personally transported me to work. But, I don't have a helicopter and I don't want to pay to park my car...so...carrying seems like the next best option. To be fair about all of this, I will try to stop eating 20 tootsie rolls a day so that I am a BIT lighter and easier to lug around.


4) Get food for me. I'll probably give you cash...but I can't guarantee that I will always be able to pay for my food. If you could spot me in those instances, I'd really appreciate it. Anyway, sometimes you might need to go grocery shopping and pick up some ingredients and cook for me. Other times I might be craving something in particular that I'll need you to pick up. But don't worry...I won't make you travel too far. Oh...what's too far? I guess I'll decide that day. I mean, you are going to be a SLAVE after all...so it's not like you can really expect to be treated fairly. If I wanted to make you do stupid shit while pretending to treat your fairly, I'd call you an intern-duh!


5) Run errands for me. This is probably the most important of all the job responsibilities and the most diverse. I might have you do laundry one day, and go to the grocery store and post office the next. I could have you do my dirty dishes (though, realistically, if you're any good at your job, you probably would have done the dishes after cooking for me...so...), or make my bed. And, this won't happen as often, but my car will needs its oil changed seasonally and the off check up so...you'll be doing that too.

6) Entertain me. This will be an occasional need because I'm usually pretty good at entertaining myself. But I might ask you, from time to time, to entertain me. Don't worry. It doesn't take much. You could probably dangle a string in front of my face, or press 'play' on the DVR (where you will have recorded a marathon of some TV show that I like, obviously), or give me crayons and paper.


7) Find me men. I guess I could do this on my own. Some people do. But...why would I do that when I have you?

8) My taxes. I mean, it's most likely that my mom will do them again this year...but just in case...

9) Build me a pyramid! (too soon? that's the only slave joke I'll make, ok? Well, except for when I talk about you behind your back)

OK, so I guess that's about it. If you're worried that this is all a lot to handle all I can say is that, it's fine. I mean, I've managed to do all these things for myself for basically my whole life...give or take a few years of childhood...and it hasn't been ALL bad. Sometimes it's even fun. But I just don't want to do it anymore.

If you have any further questions about the job or if you want to submit your resumes (no salary requirements necessary - ha ha), contact me at: slavemaster21@somedomainname.com.net.org.ca

I look forward to hearing from you!