Things I've been watching on TV

Well, it's been just about a month. I feel great that I haven't written in here. FALSE. I don't feel great about it. To be fair, I don't feel badly about it...but, let me make a little bit more of an effort, ok? At first, sure, I was all about complimenting you and asking you what you wanted to do. And about your feelings. And then slowly I stopped texting as much and wasn't e-mailing you those cute little animal pictures that you like at work. And then...you wouldn't hear from me for a few days at a time. Then a week. Then a month. But, when I did get in touch, I swore I was still interested. That everything was OK. Well, let's rekindle this romance, shall we?

In addition to, you know, like, going to Cape Cod (YAY!) and to PA to visit Kate (YAY! YAY! YAY! - three since she's pregnant with twins. YES. You heard it here!) and seeing friends and doing other fun things, I've been watching a fair amount of TV this summer. I'm sure you'd rather hear about the TV I've been watching than, say, the culinary delights I ate at M. Wells a few weeks ago for brunch. I'm sure you've been wondering 'What is Becky EVEN DVR'ing these days?' more than 'What has Becky been thinking about?'. To be fair, some of what I've been thinking about is TV...

(I don't get this, either...)

Things I've been watching on TV

1) Oprah. OH YES. So her show has gone off the air, however, my DVR is picking up episodes that weren't originally recorded...so I'm catching all the episodes I missed the first time around including a RIVETING interview with Ralph Lauren. No seriously. It was riveting.

2) Oprah's network - OWN. Yeah, so, you should know about OWN...unless you've been living under a rock (in which case, I'm compelled to make the same joke I've made about 2302039x in here which is 'how can you access the internet if you're living under a rock then?! HUH!?'. I'm funny). Granted, the network has some holes in programming (for example, sometimes it will play old 'Dr. Phil' episodes over and over again instead of, say, offering new programs...but), but sometimes, she offers INTERESTING shows...like...a show called 'Primetime' where Diane Sawyers visits different parts of the country and interviews people living there. I watched an episode a few days ago about children living in Appalachia. WHAT. THE. FUCK. YO. ?.

3) Teen Mom. I was bound to start caring about this show again. Check out Amber's stink face. She is horrible. No I didn't doctor this to make her look hideous. That is just how she looks.

4) The Wire. HA HA HA. So, I was really good about finishing up season 1 of 'The Wire'...well...if 'really good' means it took me about 3 months to finish 14 episodes. I started season 2 three weeks ago...I'm now 1 episode in. OH BOY.

5) Tia & Tamara. Well, I watched one episode of this...so I don't want to imply that I've been habitually watching it. That being said, I would habitually watch it because I found it very entertaining. Do you remember the Mowry twins? From 'Sister Sister'? Weren't you all young girls in the early 90's who would have enjoyed a show like that? Anyway, the twins are now ALL GROWNNNNNNNNN UP and one of them is pregnant and the other is planning a wedding. Talk about LIFE MOMENTS, am I right?

6) 30 Rock. Well, not really. But last night Joel and I watched the ep from season 4 that James Franco is in. He looks weird, no? Looked weird - past tense? Anyway...didn't do it for me the way I thought it would.

In conclusion, lots of TV. Maybe tomorrow I'll update you on what books I've been reading (read: you all now have something to live for)...!!!!

A letter to Ashley H

I don't know about you, but I've been watching REALLY shitty TV lately, including, but not limited to 'Teen Mom', 'The Golden Girls' (well, this might not qualify as 'really shitty TV' but hey), and, obviously, 'The Bachelorette'.

Yeah, I'm a bit surprised I'm regressing back and watching 'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette' like I did in high school, but there are reasons for everything in the overarching plan of the universe, right? Is that too deep for this blog?

Anyway, last night I took out two movies from the library. Yes, this is somehow relevant. Excitedly, I planned a date night for myself that involved one of those two movies, a watermelon feta salad (nom nom nom - FOR REAL) , and some sangria (glug glug glug - off the HIZZY). After getting stitches out (oh yeah, I had stitches in my head NBD) , I went to the grocery store, purchased ingredients for my salad and sangria, and headed home.

Of 'Milk' and 'Lars and The Real Girl', I opted for 'Milk' since I haven't seen it before and like...something about it being good and lots of other people having seen it and recommending it. I think that sentence was a mistake, but oh well. Live and learn! Well, the movies wouldn't open because APPARENTLY you can't do self check out at the New York Public Library...because if they allowed that then people would probably just be stealing DVDs left and right (be realistic, please) ...because they have anti-theft devices on the cases and they won't open unless the "librarian" (no, the quotes are not necessary there. WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?!?!) takes it off (OH HI).

So then, not wanting to actually...talk to someone or read, I opted for some on demand programming. Enter the finale episode of 'The Bachelorette'. I watched and watched...I saw about 40 commercials for 'The Help' (NO JOKING)...and then, at the end, I was shocked. How could Ashley H.

Pick JP?

Sure they look great together:

But, don't she and Ben look happy?

And isn't Ben a winemaker?

(I think this is a pic of a guy crushing a bottle of wine on his head. Why is that a good idea?)

A letter to Ashley H:

Dear Ashley,

When I watched you on last season of 'The Bachelor' I thought you were annoying. Also, I thought your head looked a little bit weird...almost like you were a dwarf. You second-guessed everything in your relationship with Brad and ultimately, because of that, went home.

Was I happy to find out that you would be this season's bachelorette? Obviously not. But, I figured that time heals all wounds (I currently have a fortune from a fortune cookie that says just that on my desk), and that maybe, after watching how off-putting you were during 'The Bachelor' you'd do some soul-searching and reform your ways. I thought, maybe, you had changed.

As you stood waiting outside 'The Bachelor' mansion during this season's first episode, I thought you looked great (yeah, eventually your brown hair extensions grew on me), and I hoped for the best.

Almost immediately, you started up with your same shit. You wondered why all the guys in the house and if they like, really liked you. It was, once again, annoying and off-putting.

Then, you fell for a guy, Bentley, who talked shit about you behind your back (I gotta admit, that sucks and I feel for you on that one, much respect). Even though he left go home early (Have you read 'He's Just Not That Into You'? I highly recommend it) you still pined after him and, awkwardly, told all the other guys about it. Why would you do that? Keep shit to yourself. And then you had Chris, the host of the show, bring him back...mistakes - you make them!

As the show progressed, and the guys feelings grew stronger, you grew more insecure often saying 'I mean, the guys could go home at any second!'. Well, if you keep acting like that, yes.

And, episode to episode, you talked about Ben and how cute he is, and how great he is, and how much you two laugh, and how he's like your best friend and how you can, undoubtedly, see a future with him. To be fair, you also talked about JP, and how great he was, and how he had been your rock throughout 'all of this drama' (barf!).

But, I really thought you'd pick Ben. I really did. You like wine, don't you? And instead, after your sister condemned your choice, and after you had a PERFECT, EASY, WONDERFUL, date with Ben...you picked JP.

Look, I get it. JP is nice. He's been hurt before. And I mean, I say this as a plus in this case, he's Jewish.

But, you shocked me and I think, in some ways, you SHOCKED AMERICA! YES! ALL OF AMERICA! EVERYONE WATCHES THIS SHOW! uh... Just because you like kissing JP, and I think he might be better in bed than Ben (come on, we're all grown ups here and if we're not we probably shouldn't be on the INTERNET), doesn't mean he'll make a better husband for you than Ben.

Actually, I really dislike you, so maybe I can spin this in a way that it's better you didn't take Ben off the market since you're not worthy of him? But then, you're not really worthy of JP, either.

In conclusion, Ashley, keep dying your hair, keep putting in hair extensions, keep being goofy (not a negative thing, actually), keep being insecure, and I hope that eventually I will forget you dominated my Monday nights for a time. I'm sure your lack of self-confidence and TMI-mouth won't pose any problems in your lifetime of happiness with JP. I'm sure once the attraction is gone you'll have plenty of things to talk about and things will be just fine.

False,

Becky

Things I won't do until September (or maybe even OCTOBER!)

IT IS AUGUST. And, I just found a batch of checks in my room meaning that I don't have to pay my rent in cash today. Yes, I was seriously considering that. I talked to Debbie and Jason about it. I wasn't even drunk.

With August comes a looming sense of fall around the corner. Actually, that's the opposite of what I mean. IT IS ALMOST GOING TO BE FALL EVERYONE!!!!! Well, in 7 weeks? I regret bringing this up now.

How have all of your summers been? So far, mine's been good? I have NOT been getting enough sleep / had enough time to be bored out of my skull in my apartment, which means I have been going out of town on the weekends, had people staying chez moi, hitting up various city pursuits during the weekend days and at night and...you know, living the dream / dreaming about living the dream (a girl's gotta sleep! am I right? am I right?)

As I sit and endure some of the more negative aspects of summer (read: THE HEAT), I think about things that I don't do in the summer / am anxiously waiting to do again in the fall:

1) Wear pants. OH MAN. As it is, my legs expand out from shorts like rising dough in an oven. I'm like 'I swore these things used to fit...I mean, I've been working out so I'm sure this is muscle weight?' I can't bear the idea of wearing shorts, really, let alone pants. I see people wearing jeans and I wonder if maybe I'm going through my change of life early. Then I remember that it's 90 degrees and no, that's not subjectively hot. THAT IS HOT.

2) Eat soup. Remember soup? I really enjoy a good cup of soup with crackers (OH HI HALE & HEARTY! I'm lookin' at you). But, can you imagine eating soup right now? I mean, when I'm in Cape Cod next week I will PROBABLY HAVE to have a cup of clam chowder but...that's it. Like how I casually dropped that I'm going to CC next week? True story.

3) Look cute when I'm sleeping. I don't drool that much when I'm sleeping, and have a relatively calm look on my face, resulting in what I have to assume is a cute appearance as I doze. In the summer, I flail around because of the heat in my room, and though I have two fans running, to cool off even more, I usually throw my hair up in a messy looking bun. In the morning, when I get out of bed, about 10 hairs remain in the bun, and the rest of my hair is sticking out in a faux lion's main. NOT. CUTE. No drooling though...just sayin'

4) Sit outside during the day in direct sunlight. Yeah. Shade is my best friend. OH. Did you think you were my best friend? UM...I mean I really like you. I just don't think we 'connect' on that level, you know?

5) Straighten my hair. Is there ever really a good time to straighten hair? In the winter, it snows and rains all the time...which is like...HORRIBLE for straightening hair. And in the summer, it RAINS from your pores into your hair (get it? ewww)...so what's the point in trying to do your hairs only to have them made curly again by humidity outside and sweat? In other news, I just bought a new hair straightener so...hey!

6) Drink a hot toddy. I know this seems obvious, I'm just sayin'.

7) Look attractive to any guys (see above). So basically, if I meet a guy now / have already met a guy and he thinks 'oh hey, you're doin' alright'...imagine how hot I'm suddenly going to be in September. A diamond in the rough, if you will.

Assumptions I make about people

Hey Everyone!

Is it hot enough out there for you? WOOF. I say we all stop hanging out, sweat at home in private, and meet up again in September when it's not so gross out and we all look decent again and cane take pictures without shuddering at poofy hair and shiny skin.

So, summer is in mid-swing which means I've been out of town / had guests nearly every weekend since June 1, have been drinking outside (not out of a paper bag...thankyouverymuch), am progressively wearing less and less clothing to work, have a bit of a tan, and probably smell like a wet blanket all of the time if not at LEAST some of the time.

Because it's summer, people from work are dropping like flies (read: are leaving their jobs to go back to grad school in the fall). One of these people, is my friend Hillary. Hillary is leaving work to go to Law School and like...make a billion dollars and have 10 houses in the tri-state area.

As we sat at lunch one day last week, we talked about assumptions people make about others based on their careers of choice. For example, if I told you I was an administrative assistant you might think that I am good at making copies AND that I'm young AND that I'm lazy because wo wants to be an admin. asst., right? JK...I'm not lazy? Or, if I told you I was a garbageman you might think that I like to get dirty and am good with my hands (OH HEY!). If I told you I was from Queens you might think I like to wear sweatpants out to dance clubs with full make up on.

Interesting isn't it? As I sat and mused about my assumptions about others, I got to thinking: ASSUMPTIONZ, I MAKE 'DEM.

Assumptions I make about people:

1) If you like 'Harry Potter', I will like you. Considering that MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS (if not billions upon billions yet...could look this fact up but am obvi too lazy) of people read HP, and I don't like millions upon millions of people...this can't really be true. If you're a wizarding fan, in general, it's probably true that I can easily make small talk with you at a party, PBR in hand. But, that we'll be BFF because you know the difference between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff? EH. I don't think so.

2) If you live in Astoria, I will like you. Yeah...this really doesn't make any sense since most of the people who walk around A-town are guido-esque douche bags but...if you were like 'Oh! You live in Astoria, Becky? I have a friend who lives there' my receptors will definitely start beeping and my first thought and question to you will be 'Oh really? Do you think they want to be my friend?'. Creep

3) If you work in finance, I hate you. Hillary and I talked about this at our lunch. When you meet someone who works in finance don't you assume they're cut someone to get to the top? Or that they're just...obnoxious and not fun to talk to? Or that they will do anything to make a buck? Yeah, me too. We might not be right though...like...take Ames, from 'The Bachelorette' as an example. He's a portfolio manager and seems like a GREAT guy. Also, my roommate, works at a finance place and she is super nice. So...

4) If you did study abroad in Australia, all you did was party down there. That might ACTUALLY be true...

5) If you live in Brooklyn, I don't like you / you are annoying. This might actually be true as well (jk jk jk jk Brooklyn friends...je vous aime?)

6) If you were in chorus in high school, you're just like me. You might not be...you might be? In which case, sucks for both of us. GET IT?! GET IT?!

7) If you're a teacher, you're a good person. Well, my parents were teachers and so were all their friends. And while they were all crazy in their own ways...they (mostly) had good intentions and were what you would call 'good people' - they tried to help other people, they were patient, they woke up every day and did the best they could to make a difference in peoples lives. tear tear tear. Anyway, now, whenever I meet teachers, or people that are involved professionally in education, I assume that they're good people with good intentions. I mean, so far this is true...but...who's to say it always will be? There are prob teachers out there who steal seats from old ladies on the subway, and drop chip bags in Central Park, and hit babies, and jump in puddles just to splash people walking by them (Why are these the only bad things I can think off the top of my head? Good question)...and other non-city related bad things. But...

8) If you read my blog I like you. Actually, that's probably true. KEEP READING!

OK I think I need to break away from this entry for a while since I've been writing it for over a week. More soon?

A revelation

I don't think of myself as HIGHLY predictable...but I do have some things that I do over and over again. Like blog, for example. Or eat cheese. Or watch 'The Bachelor'. Or sleep til 7:15 Monday - Friday.

That being said, there are things I do daily like brush my teeth. And things I do weekly like watch 'The Real Housewives of New York City'. And things I do monthly like pay my student loans (except for the last 5 months where, you know, I paid them TWICE...how does someone not notice that?). And then things I do yearly like...open presents on Christmas (YESSSSSS).

Apart from those regular activities, there are some things that I frequently do infrequently. Huh? One of those things is see what celebrities I look like via the internet.

Now, from time to time, I have people tell me that I look like Drew Barrymore...which...is kind of nice since she's a Cover Girl and famous actress and all...but I don't necessarily think is true. However, whenever this happens it gets me curious...because...do I really look like her? How can I know?!?!

Now, see the above paragraph where I mentioned that every so often I like to do a celebrity face match up and see what the internet has to offer me. Well, 'every so often' happened yesterday, and boy was I surprised with the results.

You might remember that a few years ago I did a celebrity face-matcher, when I had short hair, and was surprised to find that I got put next to Enrique Iglesias. I'm pretty sure that they asked if I was a man or a woman before I uploaded my picture to the site but...anyway. I was pretty amused by the results, but then...the more I looked at the picture of us, side by side, the more I realized that...huh...we did have similarly shaped eyes and a mole to the left of our noses.

Well, yesterday, again (is the definition of insanity doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results? It is, right? EESH), I uploaded a picture of me to facedouble.com and...

First, I got Tina Fey...which...like...we DO have the same haircut but...we don't really look alike

(I realize this is kind of an absurd photo comparison as I'm shrouded in shadow and Tina is lit up...but...apart from our similar hair...we don't really look alike. Not to mention the fact that, though I LOVE HER, WHICH I DO, she always seems to smile with her mouth closed while I only smile with my mouth open. Just sayin')

And next, the real ringer, I got


WHAT? First of all, I don't look like Dakota Fanning. And second of all, I certainly don't look like A CHILD VERSION of Dakota Fanning. WHAT?! She is 10 in that picture and grinning like a tard. Do I look like that in the picture on the left? Is there something I'm not picking up on? As I said to those around me, don't we assume that celebrities you're going to be matched with are similar in age to you? Like...even if I did look like Dakota Fanning...the fact that she's 10 in that picture would mean I can't be matched with her because I'm 25?

Suffice it to say, I shared many laughs yesterday over this topic because...my life is really full and this is what I have to laugh about?...it just seemed so ridiculous to me.

I talked to Kate on the phone last night, and after discussing the picture (I'm not kidding you when I say that I talked about this all day), and my previous comparison to Enrique Iglesias...she shrieked and said 'OH MY GOSH! You look like Enrique Iglesias and Dakota Fanning's love child'

OH MY GOD. I do, don't I? This explains why I like Latin music so much...I'm half Latina! (too soon?).

In other news, Kate was so tickled by my results on facedouble.com (I swear I'm not working for them on the side) that she did her own upload and


In conclusion, this site has to be a joke right?

Things that make me feel unattractive

HAPPY POST FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!

I think of the Fourth of July as the official start of summer now...you know...since I'm not out of 'school' or anything right now and besides a weekend spent celebrating, outside, in warm weather, I have no other indicator that anything is changing in the big world we live in. It could be snowing right now...or September...or the year 2024. I have no idea.

In other news, how was everyone's Fourth? Mine was just LOVELY. I spent it, for the second time in a row, in good 'ol Tunkhannock, PA (a real place, believe it or not...complete with TWO pizza places right across the street from each other. YUP. That really happened) with Rebecca, Carly, Christine, Meghan, Sue...and many, varied, and unusual peeps from the Emmaus/Bethlehem/Allentown, PA area. There was swimming, and dancing, and a Bruce Springsteen power hour. There were jello shots. There was a double layer cookie cake. There were brats and let's not forget the night cheese (which we all ate as if we'd never eaten cheese before...).

Part of the festivities included what I like to call an 'Americana Fashion show' meaning that everyone a) brings jean shorts b) wears them c) if they have bandannas, they wear those too or d) America-themed bling or if you're me e) brings jean short overalls (OH YES)...and then we all parade around Carly's backyard and take pictures and make her other friends who are not participating feel uncomfortable.

But, as I walked around in my joveralls, trying to hide my paunch, and wonder why the straps were so long?, I thought 'um I think I look really bad in these'. Even though everyone complimented me on my new digs I could tell they were really complimenting the IDEA of joveralls as a comedic stand in support in American...but no one could have thought they actually looked good.

Things that me feel unattractive

1) Joveralls. Maybe if I'd gone up a size (though they only had the one pair at Salvation Army...) they would have been a bit looser and my paunch wouldn't have looked so overwhelming. But, GOSH. Unattractive!

2) Button down shirts. I just really don't like button down shirts. I don't think they actually look bad on me per se...I have a broad kind of build so a nice, solid, button down shirt highlights my shoulders but...I feel awful in them. I worry about the wrinkles in the back. And I worry about the buttons bursting open at any moment. Because of these worries, I probably make a weird face from thinking negatively as I'm wearing a button down...which means not only does the shirt probably look bad but so does my face. In conclusion: unattractive!

3) Tank tops. I'm kind of getting over this, but because of the bulk of my arms (apparently I hauled wood in a past life?), I always feel a bit uncomfortable wearing tank tops. I wonder if people think 'Wait a second, are that girl's thighs attached to her shoulders? That is really weird'

4) Hats. I look awkward in hats! I know. You must be so surprised right now because I THINK I give off hat-wearing-vibes...but...just like in the movie 'Beauty and The Beast', nothing is ever as it seems.

5) Cap sleeves.

Dear whoever can wear cap sleeves,

You are the exception to the rule.

-Becky

Dear whatever fashion designers design things with cap sleeves,

Really?

-Becky

6) Pimples. I don't normally get pimples or zits or whatever you want to call them. When I do though...It feels like I'm the target dog except instead of being a bulls eye on my eye, there's a bulls eye on my blemish. WOMPFEST.

In conclusion, I don't know if this entry is funny...but it called to me. TALK TO YOU SOON! K BAI!

Things that are shaped like babies

HELLO!

Happy Almost Fourth of July, everyone! Don't you just love holidays? I can taste shower beers and jello shots and potato salad as if they're on my plate right now. I can smell fresh cut grass, and I feel the sun beating down on me, causing me to sweat, and then, subsequently, look around to see if anyone else is sweating because ladies don't sweat do they?

I am heading out of town this weekend for my second, annual, American-Pride-Fest chez Carly in good 'ol Tunkhannock, PA. I am pretty sure I spelled the name of that town right. Yes, it's a real place. GOD. You people should get out more.

Anyway, something that has been coming up recently for me (read: twice in the last week...so what if I exaggerate?) are things that are shaped like babies. What? Yeah.

If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago, 'Oh hey, Becky. What are some things that are shaped like babies?' I would have probably stared at you and then said 'Wait, what? Sorry. I wasn't listening'. And then you would have asked me again, and then I would have said 'Oh, what? Babies? Babies are shaped like babies...' and given you a look like you're stupid.

But apparently, there's a whole market of baby shaped things out there, that are NOT babies. I am constantly impressed and scared by humanity...

Figure A:

Figure B:

Things that are shaped like babies

1) Babies. Look, I can't not include this item even though it seems fairly obvious. OH...though now that I think about it...I'm talking about human babies here and not, like, baby otters or unicorns. I guess I should have been more specific from the beginning. I hope you read this far and are having an 'aha!' moment right now re: this. 'Oh you mean she's not taking about anteater babies and baby humans and baby kittens? Because those things are not shaped similarly. I feel SO RELIEVED'.


2) Gummy candy. HMM. My coworker brought in a bunch of candy that was left over from his son's baby naming last week. Included in the heap-o-candy were sweet-tart-tasting candies that were shaped like legos, blue and pink gumballs, and gummy candy shaped like babies. What? That seems messed up, doesn't it? I mean...I ate them, obviously, because I really like gummy candy...but whereas on a scale of 1-10 I normally enjoy gummy candies at an 11, with this particular batch I was only able to enjoy them at a 7.5. I mean, it's wrong to eat babies, right? Except veal. I think veal is OK (and delicious nom nom)

3) Soap. Sandy sent me a link to a page while we were at work lat week. The page had pictures of random, gruesome type things that are shaped like babies (which, inspired this post to be honest). One of the things shaped like babies was soap. Nothing clean-feeling about that. yucky

4) Candle-stick holders. UM, really? Tea lights are just fine by me thankyouverymuch.

5) Cookie cutters. HMM...this might actually be a great product. I have a Connecticut shaped cookie cutter (anyone remember the cookie - turned - biscuit fiasco of 2009? what up), which, couple with this fetus shaped cookie cutter could create QUITE the party platter.

6) I should just post the link to the page and you can see for yourselves.

In conclusion, I need to go sit in a padded room, listen to my headphones and rock back and forth for a while. HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY WEEKEND EVERYONE (though...maybe this is a bit premature cuz I think I'm going to have time to blog tomorrow am at work...if you get my drift)