Why I want to be like Oprah

So, I've had some days off work recently for Passover (chag sameach?). MINI-VACA anyone? Well, except it wasn't EXACTLY mini-vacation'y. There was a lot of traveling in the car involved. And celebrating Passover makes me feel like a ton of bricks. Plus, I didn't get to sleep that late. And I went to the dentist and he wasn't nice to me. Does this seem weird to any of you:

So, I go to the dentist and...as he's prodding my mouth (that's what she said? did you think I was over that joke? FALSE) and spitting water in my face (the 'that's what she said' just gets better, doesn't it?)...I try to make a bit of small talk and say something like 'oh, are my wisdom teeth impacted?'...and he ignores me...and then, at the end of the appointment, he sends me to the reception desk

*(By the way, he was the receptionist in his own office...awkward?. I saw this guy sitting at the desk when I first walked in that morning. He took my insurance information, and wasn't friendly...shockingly. I didn't think anything of it until later on when that same guy came into my little room with a doctor's coat on. I was confused and thought maybe all middle-aged, white guys look the same?)*

to check out and as I get up from the chair he adds, casually, 'You have cavities. So you'll go get your wisdom teeth out and then come back here to get them filled.' He also called me m'am. I'm a MISS if ever there was one!

When did this turn into whinefest?

But, the time off, afforded me some nice opportunities. I was able to walk around and see TWO CELEBRITIES (OMG OMG OMG) on Tuesday, and also take an epicly long, 2 hour nap.

And, I was able to watch about...7 'Oprah'/'Oprah's 25th Season Behind the Scenes' show episodes. WOW. That is a lot of Oprah. And yet, I could totally come back for more.

Why I want to be like Oprah:

1) My last name is really cumbersome. I'd prefer to just have people call me by my first name, Highness, like people call Oprah by her first name, Oprah.

2) Sweatpants to work. Some of you have worked with me or DO work with me now. Or some of you just know me and understand that I have made it my life's work to be wearing sweatpants / getting away with wearing sweatpants at all times. Remember the infamous 'pajamas to work' incident of 2009? I still would say it was a dress and yoga pants but, whatever. Anyway, on her behind the scenes show, Oprah is basically wearing sweatpants all the time. And as she sashays around the office in juicy track pants, people bow down to her and give her no grief. AMAZING!

3) She said every day is like her birthday. Yes. On one of her behind the scenes shows, Oprah said that she's not big into her birthday because growing up she didn't celebrate it. However, now that she's an adult, and like, a billionaire, and has her dream job, and gets to eat whatever she wants (she didn't say those things explicitly but...it was implied), she feels like every day is her birthday. OH WOW. I love my birthday! Presents! Cake! An excuse for drunkenness / get-out-of-jail-free card for anything that results because of aforementioned drunkenness!

Sign me up!

4) She's the boss. I am kind of tired of being everyone's assistant and having to do EVERYTHING that EVERYONE tells me to do...regardless of how silly it is. I'd much rather be the ridiculous person placing demands on people (like Oprah). 'Let's all go vegan!' 'OK!'

5) She's rich. Yeah, money doesn't solve problems. It also doesn't grow on trees. And when you throw it on the ground it's called 'making it rain', which, makes it seem like you're an almighty and powerful being. That being said, couldn't hurt to have a little bit of it. Or a lot bit of it like Oprah.

6) She gets to buy people presents. Well, to be fair, I get to buy people presents, too. Though, I normally word it along the lines of 'have to buy people presents'...uh. Love all of you! YAY! When I buy people things, though...there's some budgeting involved, and I usually have to go out and pick it up myself and it's a one-at-a-time kind of deal. But Oprah, no way. She gets to buy people (yes, more than one!) presents all the time, and receive praise from the people she buys gifts from, and not have to break the bank while doing it. And she probably has other people pick up the giftS for her. LEISURE <3 Can you say 'living the dream?'. You can't. ?. I'll look up a speech pathologist...weird.

7) Everyone loves her. Well, not everyone. Hillary hates her, which, I think, is the definition of ironic though I, like Jamie, can't be sure. But most people love her. And when you love Oprah, you tell Oprah you love her. I might have secret admirers (probably not, but I like to pretend) which, I guess, is nice? Someone's out there potentially pining after me? (If you are, you should just say something but) But, does it do me any good if someone/something's out there thinking about how awesome I am but not doing anything about it? Not really. Write a song about me! Send me poems! Carve my image in marble! SOMETHING!

UM...this has taken an interesting turn. But, anyway...when people love Oprah they tell her and she basks in it. I would love to bask in the love of others for me as well.

8) Teaching. I'm not sure if I want to be a teacher, but it seemed like adding this to the list would make me less of a jerkfacepantz.

In conclusion, there's a slim chance of this happening but stay tuned!

HOT YOGA

OOF. I did hot yoga the other day for the first time.

Have you all heard about it? It's something that people who have disposable income and lots of toxins like to do. I guess I'm one of those people now.

My roommate Laura had asked me if I wanted to go to hot yoga a few months ago. Well, actually, maybe she didn't ask me if I wanted to go? Maybe she just mentioned to me that she was going with one of her friends and I implied an invitation. Awkward?

Well anyway, even if she had invited me, I wasn't ready to go. The idea of yoga + sweating in front of strangers didn't seem appealing to me. I can't imagine why..

Fast forward a few months when my co-worker, Sandy, also mentioned hot yoga. Is this boring anyone yet? I'm unsure about Laura, but I'm 100% sure that Sandy mentioned hot yoga to me and THEN also asked me if I'd want to go with her.

People invite me to things sometimes! I AM SO COOL.

I was unsure but then, remembered lots of conversations I've had with lots of people, about how I'm like, you know, SOOOO open-minded and will try anything once (yes, anything - shove it - gross). And, I got to thinking.

I'm many things. I'm super awesome and adorable. I'm literate. I'm left-handed. I'm randomly clean. I'm thoughtful. I'm funny (? right?) and self-assured (get that joke?). One thing I am not, though, is an intentional hypocrite. Sure, things happen and like, I told you I HATE that guy you're dating, and then the next day I'M making out with him (what up tequila shots!). And, there was that time I was totally against cotton blends and now it's all I can wear. And let's not forget Japan...
...but, those things were accidents!

I pride myself on a) being a nice person who, when given the chance, will usually do the 'right' thing (an entry on my personal set of morals and ethics is coming soon! JK. no one wants to hear about that, which is something that personally bothers me and I find offensive, but anyway...)

So, for the sake of not making myself look like an asshole, I told Sandy I'd go to hot yoga with her. If I didn't go with her, I reasoned, people might find out that I actually won't try EVERYTHING ONCE, and then, when I used that line in conversation in the future, I worried, people might call me a hypocrite.

And I went because I thought it'd be fun and I'd enjoy spending time with Sandy and blahbity other things.

Sandy was cute enough to invite me via her google calendar (which automatically updates on my iphone...go figure), and we went for the first time two weeks ago.

HUH.

So, have any of you, besides Laura, and Jamie, and Giuliana done hot yoga?

It was an experience. Whatever boundaries I have, were shut down. Sweating in front of strangers? Eh, it happened. Sticking my butt, essentially, in someone's face while being sweaty? All over it. Staring at myself in the mirror, unabashedly, while surrounded by peers? I was all up in that business (please note, I look at myself in the mirror or my phone ALL THE TIME...but I usually am a bit ashamed about it or try to pretend like I'm involved in something more serious).

The class was 90 minutes. The temperature was 105.

For those of you who have known of me or been friends with me since 2008, you might recall July and August of that year. Jamie, Larry and I did not have an air conditioner that summer for...I can't even think of a reason. It was broken? Or, the slot in the wall for the air conditioner (an aside - why the hell do they do that in New York City? Hole in the wall air conditioners are awkward and expensive. Sure, New Yorkers don't mind awkward, but penny-pinchers are we!) was a weird size so we couldn't find something to fit in there?

Anyway, the point of this is that, if you hung out with me when it was 100 degrees during the summer of 2008, in the rare moments that I was able to escape from my third-floor oven and unglue myself from the couch, you know that it wasn't ideal/pretty/like I was a human. It just...GOD. WAS SO HOT IN THERE! And then, as I sweat through my clothes and lacked the motivation to move, I became angry and unable to string sentences together. I showered in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. I only felt comfortable talking to Jamie because she knew what I was going through.

I completely sweat through my clothes, but surprised myself in that I was able to hold some of the poses and didn't fall on my face once. I even, after class, chatted with some people WHILE my face was still red and I probably reeked. Normally I avoid people when I feel that I'm not at my best (well, except for when I'm drunk...in which case I seek out people I should probably be avoiding...uh), but toxin-free I felt liberated and like I could and would do anything!

I killed a guy on the subway ride home!

ha
ha
ha

In conclusion, you should try everything once because a) you might end up liking or b) it can help you figure out what you're allergic to.

Bringing home baby pt. 24?

HEY! Happiest of Tuesdays to ya (imagine I said that in a Leprechaun voice. Does Leprechaun need to be capitalized?)!

Except, as far as Tuesdays go, this hasn't been super great. Well, I couldn't find my mascara this morning, and I have light eyelashes, and therefore can't really wear eye makeup without wearing mascara. And, I lost my metrocard (sorry to anyone I've actually SPOKEN to today since this seems to be all I'm capable of talking about)...which was an unlimited card and had only been used for 7 days. And, it's raining and you all know how I feel about carrying things / what humidity does to my hair.

But, you know, onward and upward. It's not THAT serious.

You know what is serious, though? A recent bid I made on ebay that resulted in a recent purchase I made through paypal (That is awkwardly still processing...why?)

I feel a little embarrassed bringing it up because I'm not 12, and we've gone through this before. But, it looks like I'm going to be a parent again!

First, I told you guys about my ipod that I got THREE YEARS AGO (omg! SO LONG AGO, right?!). And then I told you about...probably some other things...huh. And then I told you about miphone. OH YEAH...and then there was my facebook baby, Jewish. And my facebook pet, Pampz. Not in that order, but whatever.

But anyway, MOMMY BECKY! YAY!

To what, you might be wondering? An actual baby? NOT IN YOUR LIFE. Well, not that there's anything wrong with babies. In fact, they're kind of adorable. And really smushy. And light weight (read: easy to carry). But, I'm not ready to take care of another human for more than a few hours at a time. I like naps too much and am cheap.

As far as actual pets go, they are forbidden in my apartment / I don't ever want to have to leave happy hour early to go walk something and pick up poop off the ground that doesn't belong to me and isn't the result of a Chipotle burrito.

With that being said, I'm going to become a parent to a Tamagotchi that I DEFINITELY overpaid for on ebay and probably will get bored with in a few weeks. A TAMAGOTCHI. Remember them? Remember 4th grade? It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

I'm looking forward to a portable pet that I can bring out with me, and play with when the people that I'm with are boring me (I'm talking about any of YOU of course. It's all my other friends that are boring. You know, the ones who don't read this).

I'm looking forward to killing an animal without being arrested (too soon? jk?) . I'm looking forward to having another COOL keychain on my house keys! Actually...it probably wouldn't be a good idea to have the tamagotchi on my keychain with my house keys. It could get scratched. I wonder if they sell screen protectors?

In conclusion, I am apparently having a quarter-life crisis that involves: buying virtual pets circa 1997, eating candy for breakfast, taking 5 weeks to read a book, and losing my metro card (Yup. I'm mentioning it again. What are you going to do about it, huh?)

Dating and dealbreakers

HELLO. It's a cold yet sort of humid Thursday. The kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive...or something.

But seriously, at least we're all alive right?

*Tap*

OK! GOOD!

I have talked about some things in this blog...and not talked about some other things. And mostly, I consider it a topical and light read. And for that reason, and because I have no idea who's reading this, I try not to mention too many personal things, and try not to compromise my safety and coolness.

What's that? I don't have any coolness to compromise? Harty Har Har. What, are you a comedian or something? *Brandishes a lead pipe*

Maybe you're right.

But something that I talk about a lot, and actually, you know, do occasionally, maybe not now, or maybe now, is date.

Dating can be fun. Do any of you date? I mean, for girls, it's an excuse to get gussied up and probably get a free drink (what's up, women's lib?). And for guys it's an excuse to wear that new shirt your mom bought you for your birthday.

And for both parties, it's an excuse to talk about yourself and have someone either a) listen or b) pretend to listen which is c) more than you can say for a lot of people. And you laugh, and you twirl your hair (again, I'm not saying that I'm doing any of these things...just speculating in general from things I might have done before or heard), and you get another drink, and you keep laughing, and looking around, and thinking 'God, I look so GOOD today'. And you check your phone because if you're smart you've told a friend where you are and also told them to PLEASE check up on you.

And you think 'I have a person that's interested in me, and they're cool, too. And I have a friend who's willing to text me to make sure I'm OK and not being cut into pieces and shoved in someone's freezer right now. My life is pretty good'.


But sometimes, if you go on dates, which I'm not saying I have or have not done recently, they're also horrible. Sometimes, the other person, might be late. Or sometimes they might be REALLY BORING (yawnfest20/yawnfest19---insert year that you went on the date). Or sometimes they might be jerks or b-bombs or k-words (no that's not really a 'thing'). Or sometimes they cut out and stick you with the check (this hasn't happened to me, on the dates I might or might not have gone on...but I've heard stories). Or sometimes, they could even be wearing these sneakers or these sandals, which, are my deal-breakers (I won't joke or divert attention from this. DEAL. BREAKER.):

Fig A.

Fig B.

Or sometimes, they just don't show up! Which, if they're going to be a b-bomb or k-word (no, it's still not a 'thing'), might be for the best. However, you can't say for sure unless they take the time out of their "busy" (but aren't we all "busy"?) schedules to meet with you.

Those things being said, punctuality, and planning ahead are two big things for me...when I'm dating...if I do that. And, I do date guys...but tried to keep the previous section pretty open just in case someone who's reading this has preferences that are different than mine.

I'd like to share with you the following message that may or may not have been received by me, now, or a week ago, or five years ago. Keep in mind, if this came, it was a day somewhere around Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.

'Hey, I can't say for sure if next Sunday will work. That's too far in advance, and I can't gauge what I'll be doing then'

OK. Really? This person is SO spontaneous that they can't 'gauge' what they will be doing in 10 days? Or more like, this person is involved in some Big Love-esque arrangement and can't gauge which one of his ladies he'll be with that day. Or more like, he's a tard. Or more like, really? Or more like, he's not the one for me...I mean, if this message had come to me...am I making myself clear?

What I'm trying to say is that dating, when you do it, helps you learn about yourself. And I have learned this about myself: a) I like to plan things b) I like people who like to plan things and c) follow through with them. I've learned more, too, but again, can't be too specific in here or compromising. And, it's lunch time and I kind of want to wrap this up before I go get my tomato soup on at Cosi (hey Hillary - *giggle*)

In conclusion, if you're dating, good luck out there! It's a stormy sea...

TRASH TRAIN - all aboard?

I went to school in DC. If you're not American, or well-traveled, or didn't go to college with me, then you might not know that DC, which is also the capital of the United States of America, has a public transportation system. I purposely didn't use an adjective in describing the DC public transportation system because a) what is an adjective? and b) I'm not sure how I feel about it.

The DC Metro

Pros:

1) Called 'The Metro', just like in Paris. Le swoon
2) Lines are named after colors = easy to follow, and pretty!
3) Tells you exactly when it's coming (which...they do on SOME subway lines now, but, they've been taking the guesswork out of commuting in DC for way longer than in NYC)
4) Clean = No skittles on the metro or else some woman, who is around your mother's age, will sass you and say 'You know, I don't care, but you can get fined for eating on the metro you know. If I were you I'd put that away', and then make you feel like you're 10, and getting in trouble.

Cons:

1) Doesn't run after midnight on weekdays, or after 2 on weekends. What if you want to stay out until 2:15?
2) See above about not eating. YUCKY. I am hungry all the time but in particular I get cravings for foodz when I'm moving. So, you expect me to be on a moving object, after a day of work, or a day of class, or a night at the bars, and NOT want to eat? Luda.
3) SLOW. It takes forever to get everywhere. FOREVER. EVERYWHERE.
4) Well, actually...not everywhere because the metro doesn't go many places.

That being said, as I've noted, The New York City subway is not free of sins. In fact, it has many bad qualities. It talks about itself all the time. It ALWAYS takes the first sip of a fresh can of soda. AND, there are rats. And, service is being cut and it's a billion dollars and blabbity blah.

But, none of these offenses hold a candle (that is a saying, right? 'hold a candle to'...hmmm) to the trash train. YES. THE TRASH TRAIN.

I learned all about the trash train when I went to the Transit Museum a couple of years ago with Kristyn...and then with Debbie & Co. (All the cool kids go twice). It's a train, that , well, picks up trash from the different subway stations.

Here's what it looks like:

Now, us New Yorkers (are any of you questioning the fact that I just called myself a 'New Yorker'? I am, too. I think it takes 10 years for you to be an actual, legit, knows all the good restaurants and bars, New Yorker...), are impatient. There's a way we wait for the subway to come. We look down the tunnel to see if there are lights coming. We wait to hear a 'click' on the third rail, signaling that a close-by train is on the rail. We look around for signs that might indicate when the next train is coming. And then, we listen for a 'A ___ bound train is approaching ____ station' announcement. Then we repeat these actions until the train we're waiting for has come.

And because we're also good at multi-tasking, we do all of these things while listening to our ipods, and reading our books, and playing games on our phones, and talking to our friends, and napping while standing up.

With recent service cuts (despite raised prices...did I mention that already? I don't care), it's sometimes necessary to repeat the 'waiting for the train' procedures 5 or 7 or even 10 times before your train pulls into the station.

Now, my train, the R, shares tracks in Manhattan with the N and Q trains. So, sometimes you wait for the train to come, and see one coming, and get excited, only to see and then realize that the train pulling into the station is not your train.

It can be heart-breaking. But, in a situation like that, it's best to man up and realize that while you are not on your way home / to work / out / whatever it is that people do besides those three things I just mentioned, other people are and you should be happy for them, or at least try not to hate them too much.

But what about when, hypothetically, it's Wednesday, March 23, and it's 11ish, and you're on your way home from Brooklyn? What if you hope that you can make your train before it stops running at 11 pm ( WOMPING WILLOW ), so even though you're on a train that can get you into Queens (or wherever it is that you're trying to go since this is all hypothetical), but is a 20 minute walk from your apartment, you get off that train, and wait for your train, only to realize that it's not running because you were a few minutes too late, so you really SHOULDN'T have gotten off the train you were on before.

So you woman up and wait for the next wrong train, knowing that it will be about 20 minutes, so you now have to a) wait 20 minutes to b) take a train that's a 20 minute walk from your apartment so you can c) walk that 20 minutes even though it's d) a work night and b ) around 11:30.

And finally, after some time, you see a train come into the tunnel. You see the lights glowing up ahead. You hear the click of that third rail. You feel a promise about to be made. You feel a breeze start to stir...

And then, a nasty butt train, with TRASH all up in it, rolls in, and sits in the station, making the wait for the train you don't really want to take but have to take even longer.

What about then huh? Wouldn't you be offended sharing air-space, underground, where air is precious with a train full of trash from the subways, which, has to be dirtier than regular house trash or work trash?

Yeah. You probably would. And now you know what it's like having a trash train surprise you late at night when all you want is to be home in your bed in your leopard print pajama pants that you got from Bob's Sportings Good Stores (all hypothetical still) in 9th grade.

~~~~~~

Dear Trash Train,
You are GROSS. And I don't have anything more to to say to you, except this: I hate you and wish you were dead or that you were instead a vacuum hose that could be extended from the street into the stations and suck up all the trash sitting in the garbage containers. Because then, you wouldn't be taking up my time by cruising along on my train's / the train I need to take now because my train isn't running 's tracks.

Sincerely,
Beck E.

Another live blog

Well, I got some work to do but then...I did it...and then my boss shut her door (presumably because she is in a meeting with someone)...so now I'm back to the blog. It feels so good to LAUGH AGAIN! 'Arrested Development' anyone?

8) I play scrabble on my phone (ADD ME IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY! I can promise that it will be a boost to your ego because I lose about 2/3 of the Scrabble games I play on my phone. You have a 2/3 chance of winning against me..those are good odds. If those were lottery odds wouldn't you play?).

And actually, I get to go home now. ON TIME. so this is donezo. BYE!

Another live blog

6) And then I chat with people. Well, not just 'people'. Like, people I know...duh! Because, if they weren't people I knew, then how would I even have them in my chat list? And I ask them questions like 'hey, what's going on?' and 'oh, so what'd you end up eating for lunch?' or 'when do you want to hang out?'. And then, it's the weirdest thing, because they all go idle or put their little red circles up to indicate that they're busy. Timing...must be timing. And then I send them smileys, and roses, and I mean, it really does take up a fair amount of time doing all this. So, if you're ever bored at work, I suggest gchat. It's spelled just like that in case you haven't heard of it.

*If you read the previous entry, or have an eye for detail, you'll see that I didn't space the previous entries in this list. But all of those entries were short, and without a space, it was readable. However, that last thing I wrote, about gchat (duh winning) was long, and would be overwhelming if placed right next to the next entry on this list so...I am adding a space. SHOVE IT.*

7) And then I make creature pictures of me, and people I'm chatting with. JK. I don't ALWAYS do that...but I did do that today. I started watching this show on Animal Planet called 'Must Love Cats' (anyone else? first of all, if you don't, you should. second of all, it has adorable cats, weird people, and a cute host, so, you should. third of all, I totally call dibs on the cute host, so you shouldn't) which led me to the Animal Planet website today. Which led me to the 'games' section of that website...and to the 'CREATURIFY' game. WHAT?

Yeah. You can take a picture of yourself and creaturify it...into like, a werewolf or zombie...and, the results are pretty clutch

Photo snapped today at work (by me...I don't have a paparazzi)



And, my creation:



Really awesome, isn't it? You should all make one.
I made one for Jamie, too...that could probably be a '8)'th item on this list, but, eh. And now I think I actually have to do something. So much for laying low...