I want to be a good writer...

...I mean a 'well' writer. UGH. What's that rule?

I took out a book from The Queens Library two months ago. Actually...two and a half months ago. I do that, from time to time...take out books from the library. You should, too. It's like shopping without spending any money (read: HEAVEN!).

The books were the following: 'God Bless You Dr. Kevorkian' and 'Look At The Birdie'. I started reading 'Look At The Birdie' right away and...liked it...but forgot about it. It was around Christmastime, and I had presents, and naps, and cookies, and wearing sweatpants on my mind...so it's not surprising that I let the book go.

$12.75 later (whoops) I realized the books were long overdue...so...I did what any sensible, responsible, and some other word ending in 'ible' adult would do, and renewed the books and put off paying the fine indefinitely. Well, not indefinitely. I'm sure I'll get around to paying it sometime. I definitely will indefinitely.

But then I didn't read them until this morning, and even then I didn't read both of them. That would be really hard, or maybe even IMPOSSIBLE. The thing is, I meant to, but I started reading 'The Girl Who Played With Fire' (OMGPARTY, have any of you read this series? goodstuffeatery.com) and then I was on ~*~* vacation ~*~*.

But then I cracked open 'God Bless You Dr. Kevorkian' and let me say...it was worth the $12.75 and the two months wait because, WOW, THIS BOOK IS GREAT!

Kurt Vonnegut is my personal hero. Or he was. Well, actually, he's not around anymore, but my love is current, so I think I can say that he IS, present tense, my personal hero.

His way with words gets me really excited (simmer down) and I find that though we never met, and he really had nothing to do with me, he speaks my truth. As I stood reading the intro to 'God Bless You Dr. Kevorkian' and laughing, and feverishly turning pages, I stumbled upon the following paragraph on marriage:

'...I know what women want. they want a whole lot of ppl to talk to. what do they want to talk about? they want to talk about everything. What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them.

Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to.

A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navajos. The Kennedys.

But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person.

The groom gets one more pal, but it's a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it's a man. When a couple has an argument, they may think it's about money or power or sex, or how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this: 'you are not enough people!'

Isn't that just kind of perfect? And isn't it just kind of true? I thought to myself 'I wonder what I should have for breakfast today?' and then I thought to myself 'I would love to write like Kurt Vonnegut'.

I talked to Kate about this, and she told me that Kurt Vonnegut fashioned a list of 8 rules for writers. Since I was at work, and actually busy, I decided it would be a good idea to look up this list of writing rules from my personal guru / the guy I want to be like (is that what 'guru' means?):

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a sadist. No matter sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Let's think about these rules for a little bit. Do I follow any of them? Am I a good writer? Let's see, as far as #1 goes I waste all of your time. Whoops! I do think, however, that I am the 'character' in this blog, and I am endearing and likable (my mom told me so), so for #2 YES! YOU CAN ROOT FOR ME!

WATCH ME WIN!

#3 is affirmative, because I want things all the time. I write entries about my covetous desires. #4 my sentences do those things, I think...I reveal a lot with my words, I'm sure, and you know, each word you read is after the last word you read so...cool. #5, ha ha ha...nope. NOT A CHANCE. #6, Some shiz does happen to me...so...ok. #7, I write to please myself, so there you go. And #8...I offer information as I write...as the blog entries go along...I could be better but I could be worse. I'm no Hitler!

In conclusion, nothing but I like Kurt Vonnegut and you should read some of his things. If I know you for realzies, I am happy to lend you something. If I know you over the internetz, go to the library and take some books out! LIBRARIES!

Keep the questions coming!

I'M BACK FROM VACATION! AH! SO SAD.

Here's a question I received in my absence:

Dear Becky,

I have a serious problem. I am used to being in frequent contact via gchat with a friend of mine. Alas, she is on vacation and I am sitting in my office wanting to chat with her, and she's not there! It's breaking my heart. What should I do?

Sincerely,

I miss her like the deserts miss the rain

Dear I miss her like the deserts miss the rain,

I am saddened by the sadness plaguing your heart and making you sad. I am also sad that I don't have a thesaurus. In all seriousness though, your friend will be back before you know it. In fact, she MIGHT even be back now. In case she's not though, why not try taking up sudoku, weaving, tweeting or novel-writing. These are hobbies / pursuits that involve concentration and CAN, if you're dedicated, take up a large quantity of your time. OH...well tweeting doesn't really take concentration,,,though the 140 character limit can be a BIT of a challenge. It is time consuming though...Busying yourself is a good way to miss your friend less, or maybe even stop liking her.

Sincerely,

Becky

***DEAR READERS: SEE THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS***

I'm like Yoda

THIS IS AMAZING. Here we go:

Dear Becky--

My old roommate and I no longer live together, but as we are still friends, I need advice because I'm having a problem with her. She doesn't tell me things anymore and I don't know what to do! Whenever I see her, or am gchatting with her, she brings up very important topics/things that are going on in her life that she expects me to already know about, but I DON'T. Apparently she's forgotten that I love GOSSIP and would like to remain clued in to the important and not important details of her life. I really like her and would like to be friends with her forevs, but I am super frustrated. I know she's probably watching Top Chef All-Stars without me, and wearing sweatpants with her new roommate without a second thought about me, but I can't take it. I need to know what's going on with her at all time.....

Sincerely,

My old roommate was probably the best roommate I'll ever have (besides my future husband)

Dear My old roommate was probably the best roommate I'll ever have (besides my future husband),

I've always found that bribery is a great way to get people to like you. Have you considered offering your old roommate (who sounds like a LOVELY person btw) gifts to get her to gossip with you? Small amounts of cash (preferably in bills), or jewelry or minor league baseball teams might be a good way to start.

Or what about power? If you're not in the market for tangible items, why not bribe this wonderful person you used to live with something like...ultimate decision making control over your life? or...name your first child / pet after her? Make her feel important by allowing her to rule over you. Once she's secure in herself via ruining your life and draining you of your finances, I'm sure the flood gates will open. Then you'll be writing in asking me how to get her to stop talking! AM I RIGHT?!

I know this seems messed up, but in order to turn around undesirable situations, you need to be realistic. People like gifts and power. This is the way the world works.


In all seriousness though, she misses you too and has early on-set Alzheimer's so can't remember who she tells what to. Her subway conductor probably knows WAY too much information, while you are being left out in the dark. It's not personal, and I'm sure you can rectify this with diligent gchatting, day drinking opportunities and some regular phone dates.

! URGENT !

This just in:

Dear Becky,

I am torn between a caesar and a southwest. salad. which one for lunch today?

Regards,

Hungry for lunch

Dear Hungry for lunch,

Go for the Southwest salad. Corn and chips and other festive ingredients - should spice up your day! Besides, caesar salads, like regular cell phones (SMARTPHONES WHAT UP!), Hannah Montana, and dresses over pants (at least for me, personally) are so 2008.

Best,

Beck E

So wise

Another question is in! It's from the same person...

You all really need to get your act together and send some stuff in. A lot of you ask me questions ALL THE TIME so it shouldn't be too hard to come up with something to submit here.

My advice-seeker writes:

Dear Oh-so-wise Becky,

I am waiting for something, and I am SO impatient, that it may actually be killing me. What do I do to get my mind off it? How do I become more patient?

-Some Cute Name About a Person Waiting for Something

Dear Some Cute Name About a Person Waiting for Something,

WAITING sucks. It really does.

Tom Petty thinks so, too:

Here's what I would recommend. Watch that video I posted a few times on repeat. Then try watching this one:

And this:

Watching those three videos on repeat, should take about an hour of your time ('You're welcome' in advance). Once you're done with that, give this game a try:

http://greatgatsbygame.com/

(No. I don't think it makes any sense. Sorry?)

Once you're done with that, get a hold of yourself. Waiting DOES suck, but why waste these precious hours thinking about something to come in the future? Instead of sitting and listening to the tick tock of a clock, or Ke$ha's 'Tik Tok'

Why not get drunk, and pass out, so that you wake up in the future? You'll probably have fun getting drunk (at least I know I usually do...minus the time I cried on my 21st birthday...you people really won't let that go!), and time passes quickly when you're intoxicated.

All the best,

Beck E

SOME ADVICEzSzS

OMG! MY FIRST ADVICE-SEEKER WROTE IN!

Dear Becky,
I have so many problems, I don't even know where to begin! I have two friends, X and Y, and they are undergoing surgery in a month. Now, no one has said anything, but should I be there to support them and help out? I could take the time off, but they haven't asked. Should I offer? Would it be best for all involved for me to stay put?
Love,
Y's daughter


Dear Y's Daughter,
You said that you have 'two friends' but since I know you, and know what this question is referring to specifically, I might say that you actually have 'two family members, X and Y'. Also, you called yourself 'Y's daughter', so, I didn't even have to be Nancy Drew to figure that out.

Anyway, I digress. Having surgery can be scary and overwhelming (or so I hear since I haven't had any). I think you need to be a typical woman in this situation, and wait for stuff to come to you / happen to you. No one likes a Desperate Dahlia (I would have said 'Debbie desperate' here, but you know, Debbie sometimes read this if I bother her enough, and I don't want to alienate 1 of the maybe 20 people who read this. That's 5% of my audience. Yes, I'm really good at simple maths), so put on a nice dress, bake some cookies, read a book (women can read, right?) and wait around without seeming like you're waiting. When they finally come to you (which they will) try to act like you're not bothered (even though you will be) and like you haven't been waiting around (even though you will have been). Laugh genially and say 'OH SURE. I'm happy to help!'

Sincerely,

Beck E.

Hey Cherie pt. 2

HI EVERYONE.

You all probably think you have a good handle on me. And, you probably do. A 'good' handle. But do you know everything about me? CERTAINLY NOT! I am an onion with many layers and such. I am also good at coming up with non-cliche metaphors. Anyway...

There are things, however, despite hundreds of entries on here, that you don't know about me. One such thing is this:

I was a teen advice columnist when I was in high school. OH YEAH. That happened.

Basically, here's what went down. Maybe I was in 8th grade when it started instead of high school? Katelyn? Are you reading this?

Katelyn's mom read something in our local newspaper about how our local newspaper The Stamford Advocate (please don't stalk me. EEP!), wanted to run its own teen advice column alongside the nationally syndicated (plug plug plug) column 'Hey Cherie'. Local teens were invited to come to The Advocate building on the first Monday of each month, eat pizza, and share their opinions on the problems presented to 'Cherie', and on Cherie's advice. These opinions would be printed alongside Cherie's column in The Advocate.

*This is an example of the 'Hey Cherie' column without our advice*

http://www.creators.com/advice/hey-cherie.html

Katelyn's mom wanted her to be one of the teens that gave her two-cents alongside Cherie's longer ramblings on subjects like kissing a boyfriend with a big nose, or getting caught gossiping about peers. Katelyn was interested, but since she was a 13-year old girl, she needed a friend to come along with her to the first meeting. Heaven forbid you do anything alone as a teenager or, gasp, talk to people who don't go to your high school / have every class with you.

Enter me. Why are you laughing? OH. EW. Not like that.

I was, and still am up, for just about anything, so was happy to accompany Katelyn on her first trip to the newspaper building. I would do anything for free food, so the idea of pizza, and possible fame! appealed to me. It still does. Anyone know about any events coming up with free pizza? I could really go for some.

(on a scale of 1-10 I want this pizza iphone case a 23)

Well, that first meeting, turned into a 5 year stint. Once I turned 18 I realized I was too old (read: thought I was too cool) to participate in the column any longer. But, I enjoyed the monthly meetings (later on Alex, Heather and Liz joined me and Katelyn on that first Monday of each month...so it was like hanging out, for free, with other people we didn't talk to or made fun of) and the minor fame that came along with being in the newspaper about once a month (they couldn't post my advice every Monday. come on! The spotlight was big enough for all of us!) Seriously. My nana's friends would tell her at Temple that they had seen me in the paper and how GREAT my advice was yada yada yada.

And now, that brings me to THIS blog and right now.

You know I dabble in blog features (photoshop on demand comes to mind...how nice that I think ONE OF YOU sent in a picture for that. a whole person! a whole picture! that person was Kate btw...we're related and she's obligated to do things that I tell her to) and I have an idea for a new one:

ASK BECKY!

You guys can write in with problems (I'll make it anonymous if you're shy, or I can totally blow up your spot and make you a j-list celebrity if you're so inclined) and I, a la myself at 15, will give you advice like 'You're an idiot' or 'You need to ask him out already' or 'White socks with black dress shoes should never be an option'.

So, trust ME with your problems. I promise this will turn out well for everyone.

(I'm not really kidding)