An interview, pt. 1

Hey There!

LONG. TIME. NO. TALK. for you. Except Jason. Who hasn't read any of the entries on this blog, but at least visited it, did a CTRL + F dealie for his name, and commented on all the entries where I've mentioned him.

Erin (you know her, right? we went to college together...and she'd love to tell you a story about the first time I got really drunk. this story would obviously be a fable cuz I don't even know what alcohol is) sent me a link to a website this morning called 'www.therumpus.net'.

What is that? She explained it was an online magazine about CULTURE (as opposed to pop culture). I was curious, so I went to the website. Almost immediately I found an interview of two sisters. Something about one of them being a lesbian and both of them being really close? The sisters took turns interviewing each other and I found it to be an interesting read.

HERE: http://therumpus.net/2010/10/the-funny-women-interview-the-soloway-sisters/#more-64584

I thought, since I have a blog, and I have a sister, I should copy these two ladies. A little background on me and my sister, Kate.

Here's a picture of her:

She's whatever age you want to think she is. She's a Rabbi. She works at a University in NOWHERE, PA (but there is a roller-skating rink there...where I fell and hit my head...and got a bruise that started drooping down into my eyelid). She reads. She writes. She keeps me company. SHE IS OLDER (ha!)

The first part of this 2 part series is questions that I posed to Kate, that she answered. Read and enjoy :)

1) If you could be a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? why?
So the first thing that popped into my mind was a reuben. It has rye bread, which is an interesting flavor--it looks like flavorless bread, but it so isn't! Then there is pastrami (delish!) and there is melty cheese, both of which are comforting (and fatty, or because they are fatty). Then there is the sauerkraut, and interesting tang and texture, but one that is necessary to the composition. Mmmmm.

2) Why do you like me so much?
A little presumptuous, but I will roll with it. I like your sense of humor, and your general positive approach to life. I like that you introduce me to things and keep me young. I like that you aren't intimidated by me.

3) What would you say is your most embarrassing moment?
Oh goodness, where to begin? The most embarrassing was being pantsed in the hallway of Dolan on the way to the cafeteria. It was the most embarrassing because embarrassment encompassed my whole body in a way it's never done before or since, and because everyone was laughing and I felt ultimately alone in my embarrassment

4) If you won $1 million what would you do with it?
Pay back my student loans, yours, and Josh's medical bills. The rest I would invest for Chewbecca. And I would take a vacation to somewhere far, like Australia or India, or both!

5) Describe your ideal romantic match.
Someone funny, some thoughtful and compassionate, someone with his own life and interests, someone who wouldn't let me turn him into my satellite.

6) Oliver Stone called for you today. Seriously. He said he's interested in making a movie of your life-to-date. Who's going to star in it? Describe 4 scenes from that movie.
So the young me would be played by Ariel Winter. The grown up me would be played by Mary Louise Parker, or Melissa McCarthy.

Opening scene: me running around the concentric circles of the kindergarten rug while mom and a teacher try to get me to sit and take the test to get into kindergarten early. I failed.

Another scene: learning to drive with 800 feet of snow and ice on the road.

Another scene: directing The Complete Works of Shakespeare in college, missing the dress rehearsal for the first seder I ever hosted, and having a kid tell me at the end of the weekend that he came to all three shows because it was so funny.

Another scene: bringing a gun to my head while sitting in my office at SU and typing this answer because it is so fucking long!

7) What song do you identify with most?
It depends on my mood. This is a song I listen to when I am feeling a bit frazzled:



It just speaks to me, and I feel like I am getting good personal advice.

8) If you were a color what color would you be? why?
This also depends on my mood. Lately I have been feeling more red, maybe because I have a fever and am feeling hot. I also have been doing this mindfulness thing on Wednesday evening, and when I just sit with myself, I try to feel my blood flowing, doing it's business.

9) Why do you like me so much? Oh, I already asked that. What do you like about you so much?
I like that I am genuinely on a path of self-awareness and self-development.

10) What are you doing for the rest of the day?
I have a conference call, then I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for fertility drugs, then mindfulness, then bed.

(this interview was conducted on Wednesday, November 10th, 2010.)
(this entry is being posted on Thursday, November 11th, 2010.)

I am NOT interested

So there's this guy who's been into me in a BIG way lately. I know, you're probably all surprised. You probably had me mapped out as an asexual sea sponge who guys wouldn't be into.

It's OK.

Most people think that (...despite my WONDERFUL personality and big, blue eyes and hairz that sometimes arrange themselves into a nice pattern...and my boots. My boots are great (aside: I just got a new pair of boots yesterday that are a-maz-ing. WOW. I feel kind of guilty about getting them since I just spent roughly $1 billion on car repair stuff over the weekend AND majorly hit up KOHLS but....))

I just did a parenthesis inside of a parenthesis. WOW.

But regardless of what YOU people think about ME...sometimes things / people / animals of the male persuasion like me. I don't spend all of my nights at home watching '30 Rock' (yeah I'm getting into it) alone / not dating. Just most of them.

So this guy, has just been like...all up in my business. And without being too explicit, because I am at work right now, I need to say that this ONLY happens at work. And, before you try to remember where I work, and start to dial the head of my HR department I need to add that this guy is not an employee of my organization. So, though his passes at me are PRETTY obvious...there's not much I can do about it.

OK. You're probably wondering who this mythical creature akin to unicorns and Harry Potter is.

I actually was able to get a few pictures of him. It was hard...but I think I was able to do it without him noticing. My heart is racing...I'm nervous.


OK there he is. Yup. The paperclip from the Microsoft help section.



I don't understand why he's on my computer! I have outlook open, but I thought the paperclip was only for HARD programs...or programs that involved lots of different functions...like...word or excel. Do people need help with outlook?

OK, and even if people DO need help with outlook...I'm not one of them. I didn't need 'help' in outlook recently. I don't know if I've used the 'help' section at all at my new job, actually. And also, even if I had used 'help' (I didn't, but I'm just saying...god...now I seem guilty. yikes), I didn't select ANYTHING that said 'I'm nervous using this program. Can you have the paperclip keep me company while I navigate these rough waters?'.)

So why is he there, just lurking, looking at me? Today I was in excel, working on a spread sheet. I closed out of it when I was done, looked up and saw the following:


And then I lost it. I said 'WTF?! ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?!'. He didn't say anything. Stared back at me blankly...like I'm the crazy one when he's been basically stalking me for a few days.
'Dude, I don't know how you got here...or why you're here...or what your name even is (mine's Becky by the way...but since you live in my computer and are all up in my e-mail you probably know that. GROSS), but I'm really not interested.'

At that point he made himself into a paper airplane and disappeared (oh good...play hard to get, weirdo....wait. come back! I'm not done talking to you yet.)

He appeared, again, in his original form of the 'smiley paperclip' and I continued my rant.

'I understand that I'm a young lady. And that I wear cute boots. And that today I am dressed like a rainbow. I get that. You're a guy (you are, right? are you? you are, right? are you? you? ?) and I'm me, and I'm cute...and some people might say the sun shines out of my eyes (and my butt...oh hey!). But, I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm looking for a consensual relationship, on both ends, and this lurking that you're doing is not OK'd by me. Maybe, we can get to know each other first, and like...get a drink or coffee? But please, don't invade my personal space. Don't wait for me on my computer in the morning. Don't POP your eyes out at me when I'm trying to gchat. Whatever you do, DO NOT interrupt my gchatting time. DON'T DO IT. There will be consequences. In conclusion, I am not interested. If I am interested in the future, I will let you know.'

I felt good. I had said my piece. I think he heard me...you know? And then:


I give up.

Things that I'm clumsy about / at / in doing (continued)

HELLO!

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

It occurred to me that there are MANY more things I'm clumsy about / at / in doing so...I should list them, lest these things come up and we're hanging out and you're like 'but you never blogged about how that is hard for you...are you getting dumber at things?'

1) Picking out a box from a display of shoes. Last week I attempted this on my lunch break and knocked 10 boxes of shoes through a display unit. MAD AWKWARD. Especially when I didn't buy anything...he he he.

2) Finding my keys in my purse. My purse is apparently like Mary Poppin's bag. There's a lamp in there (since when have I been carrying a lamp?), and a dollhouse, and an umbrella...but where the F are my keys and how long can I possibly paw around in here until I find them?


3) Assembling furniture. If you have a painting party, and I'm free, I might go. An IKEA building party with beer...I'll pass.

Things that I'm clumsy about / at / in doing

I am built like a German milkmaid and yet I bruise like a banana.

I have hips for birthing octuplets and the shoulders of an Olympic swimmer...and yet I make contact w/ the side of a coffee table and am practically hospitalized. practically.

I don't know if I was really clumsy as a kid. It's possible. Most of my memories of my childhood involve watching 'The Little Mermaid' on repeat, then watching 'Beauty & The Beast' on repeat, then watching 'Aladdin' on repeat (remember when Disney movies used to be good?), then talking to myself in a high pitched voice, and coloring (on the piano that one time...mom was super happy) , and changing my clothes a lot (still do that...woo?). I don't have too many vivid memories of hurting myself or spilling or making a general mess of things that I came into contact with.

But actually, now that I'm typing this out...I do remember the summer I learned to bike ride and how I skinned my knees...over and over again. I have a hard time with scabs and now my knees look like this:

And then there was that time in 6th grade where we were walking down to the field to fly paper airplanes for a science experiment and I simply fell on pavement and cut my legs so deeply that I had to go to the nurse. And...huh.

Well, I'm not sturdy...though I am big. And don't go off on me about how I'm not 'fat'. I'm not saying I am. I am just kind of large. Wouldn't you think that someone who's a decent size should be able to exist in the world easily? Door handles aren't too high. The top shelf isn't really 'the top shelf'...it's just a shelf. And yet...here I am...and here we are.

Where are you going?

Things I'm clumsy about /at / in doing:

1) Walking. Is that sidewalk uneven? Oh...it isn't? huh.

2) Walking up stairs. Is a stair missing or something? Oh it's not. Huh.

(Don't know what this has to do with 'falling up stairs' but that's what I typed into google's image search...and this is one of the results I got. hmmm)

3) Walking through doorways. I don't know where my body ends and other things begin...so...I'm not good at evaluating walking through spaces. If a doorway is 5 feet wide I'll still somehow manage to graze the wall and rub myself up against the far left or right of it. Sometimes I get bruises doing this. Sometimes it's painful doing this. All the time it's awkward doing this. Or should I say 'that'?

4) Turning. My body also doesn't navigate corners very well. As you can imagine, t-ball can be overwhelming.

5) Stirring. Pretty much always results in spills.

6) Pouring. Pretty much always results in spills...and arguments if another person is involved.

YOU: WTF!

ME: LOOK. I'M SORRY I SPILLED ON YOU. It wasn't intentional. It will come out. Though, you're kind of being a douche right now so if we could go back in time it would have been on purpose. What's that? Nothing.

(Comment on this picture: What if you are an adult? What then?!)

7) Taking off clothes. My head might be big (ok...it is) and my clothes might have small neck openings (OK...they don't)...but sometimes getting off my shirts is REALLY difficult. And let's not even get into the subject of taking off my pants. Seriously. Let's not.

8) Carrying things. I carry things on a daily basis...and it's never fun or easy. The bags slide off my shoulders and then as I slouch forward to rectify the situation my hair falls in my face and UGH. Then I'm dealing with my hair in my face (priorities people, priorities) and the bag continues to fall. Do other people have this problem? I can't be unique in this. In my wonderful sense of humor, yes...but in difficulties carrying things / hairs in face?

In conclusion, eh. I got nothin'.

Amy Sedaris = New BFF?

I have long been a fame monger and person who chooses acquaintances based on influence. That being said, I don't have any famous friends. Weird, isn't it? I've heard though that the more you want something the more elusive it is to you...so maybe that's why my 'friends' are all 'normal' average Joes and Jorginas.

Well...I should use 'normal' loosely. Anyone who hangs out with me of their own accord (and don't BS me with that 'you kind of FORCED me to hang out with you by sitting outside my apartment and sending me faxes at work with 'want to hang out? circle 'yes' or 'no' on them and calling me obsessively AND sexting me' excuse), has to be a bit off their rocker.

(Is this image glittering for all of you? WHOAA)

Anyway...I don't have any famous friends. I mean, JASON (are you ever going to read this? I'm not sending you the link. You're a smart guy. You should be able to remember the web address since you know my name and that I talk a lot) is kind of a big deal because of his pizza blog and such. And Debbie and Jason (another one) were in the beginning of 'Three Men And A Baby' or was it 'Three Men And A Little Lady'? Kate's a Rabbi, and has been published, and Michelle is all over the internetz (jeje--jk!). Not to mention Melissa who made a 'Free Enes' sign for the Rally to Restore Sanity last weekend and has been blowin' up. I have more friends than that but I can't go on too long (that's what he said?)

Anyway...I don't have any famous friends. Well, at least I didn't until last Thursday.

***

Cassie (!) invited me to go to a book signing of Amy Sedaris the Barnes & Noble in Union Square. I got there a bit early and saved us some seats (4th row---what what). I bought a copy of Amy's last book 'I like You' and started reading (The reason she was at 'Barnes & Noble' was to sign her NEW book 'Simple Times: Crafts For Poor People'...but that's only available in hard cover and I'm not rich...contrary to the pearls I wear and crown that I had surgically stitched to my head)

WHAT. A. FUNNY. BOOK. I got more excited. When Cassie (!) finally showed up (I had to...ok?) I was even more pumped.

Amy began with a demo of crafts from her new book. She was just as funny in person as I had imagined...not to mention her ADORABLE dress. After she demod, and answered some questions, we were allowed up to the signing table, one row at a time, to meet her and get something signed.

We waited patiently and went up to the stage. Cassie (!) was very excited. I was, too. But I was also nervous. What do you say to someone who makes a living by being funny? I fancy myself funny...but like...more situationally...and more if you know me.

Cassie (!) got her book signed, patted her boobs for Amy's approval, and moved on. It was my turn. Amy looked at me and said 'I like your dress!' and then prepared to sign my book. OMIGAH! SHE COMPLIMENTED MY DRESS. I blubbered something about it being from H&M. Then, somehow, the subject of Nicole Kidman's eyebrows came up and I recounted an entry from THIS very BLOG with pictures of Nicole Kidman modeling various eyebrows (none of which looked good. why is she so freaky looking?). Amy looked up from my book (well, really HER book but also mine...since I paid for it) and laughed. OMIGAH DEUX!

Sara was last but not least to have her book signed. Then we exited. AND got interviewed by PBS / PBS.com. Look for us online / on TV.

In conclusion, Amy Sedaris loves me. She likes my clothes (for the record, I wasn't wearing the above AWESOME dress that night...so that is not a pic of the outfit that won me my first celebrity friend). She thinks I'm funny. I'm sure we share similar values, and she's a girl, and I'm a girl...and we both live in New York City.

Reciprocally, I also find Amy funny and like her clothes. I also appreciate her 'art'. I think that we can be friends. I imagine us holding hands and skipping through Central Park. Or maybe sharing laughs over fondue. Or maybe watching re-runs of 'The Real Housewives of New York' together. But how do I make this happen? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

NATIONAL SANDWICH DAY

I used to spell sandwich 'sandwhich'...as if I had a choice. The thing is, I did. And I do. Sandwiches are AWESOME. If given some options of foods, or things I love, or inanimate objects I'd like to marry, I'd probably marry a sandwich.

I was talking to Rebecca yesterday (as I am wont to do from time to time). She told me it was national sandwich day. OH. MY. GOD. They really do have days for everything don't they?

Administrative Assistant Day.
National Carry Your Cat To Work Day.
Veterans Day.
International (really?) Talk Like a Pirate Day.

And now, a day to celebrate pieces of bread (good enough on their own if we’re going to be critical) around delicious things. Do any of you know that quote from ‘American Beauty’ that talks about your heart being so full of love that you feel like you could burst from the happiness of it all? Thinking of a day to celebrate sandwiches makes me feel like that.

Things I like about sandwiches 1) Bread. OH GOD. Bread is so good. Have any of you ever done the Atkins diet where you can’t eat carbs? It is so hard. First of all, no bread. Second of all, for the first week, NO CARBS AT ALL. Did you know vegetables have carbs in them?I didn’t either until I tried this diet. The thing is, it worked. The thing is, you gain it all back as soon as you look at any non-Atkins food so…probz not worth it. But anyway, bread is just so great! If you get it in France you can walk around it with it in your hand like a purse or a walking stick. If you get it in the US you can stick it in a little Ziploc bag or toast it and smother it with butter. Light. Fluffy. Yet, Hearty and Filling. BREAD!

2) Mustard. Mustard is something you can put on bread in a sandwich. I really like mustard. I had some mustard yesterday and was looking at the bottle. It's only 4 calories for 1 serving of Mustard. That got me to thinking...how many calories would it be if I ate a whole bottle of it? Should I be sharing this?

3) Dressing. Sometimes, if I don't have mustard, I will moisten (for those of you who like the word and/or are reading this out loud: MOISTEN MOISTEN MOISTEN) my bread of my sandwich (some people call sandwiches 'sangwiches' as a joke. What's that about? Is that funny?)
with salad dressing. Nom nom nom. Salad dressing is so good. OIL + SEASONINGS. I could probably drink it plain. What is my deal?

4) INSIDES. There are so many possibilities when it comes to sandwichinsides (is there a cuter way to say this?). MEAT? (*insert Homer Simpson noise here*) or JELLY (or as I like to call it 'gloppy sugar')? OR PEANUT BUTTER (or as I like to call it 'a way to make my apple less apple-y')? OR CHEESE (or as I like to call it 'why I'm having a hard time finding a mate')? OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS TOGETHER? A meaty, jelly-y, cheesey, peanutbuttery sandwich? OH GOD. please?

(author's note: please don't try to eat this. it's yarn)

5) Toasted. Sometimes, you can have a TOASTED sandwich. Warm, firm (but not too firm) bread...warms the heart, really.

6) Not too filling. Some foods that I like (for example: steak) are really filling. When you have them for a meal, you commit to them. There's no dating, I mean...eating...on the side. The thing is, I really like sides. I like fries. or chips. or carrot sticks. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. With a sandwich as a main course in a meal, I'm allowed to indulge in side options. I'm allowed to live according to the saying 'variety is the spice of life'. I really like that!

7) Transportable. I like my food on the go, thank you very much.


In conclusion, I hope you ate a sandwich yesterday because...I don't need to spell it out, do I?

Concluding again, I downloaded firefox at my new work computer so I can easily blog now...with pictures. Expect some more entries.

Things I'm looking for...in an apartment.

Well, I never thought this day would come. I imagined myself living with Jamie and Shane forever. In our apartment. I talked to some bankers about a personal loan so that I could, maybe, BUY my apartment (relax, that's a joke. Even though I'm Jewish, I don't like talking to bankers). I imagined the three of us growing old together. Eventually, when they got married, and when I got married (look, it could happen...), I pictured our kids sharing the third bedroom...little Jewish running amok as whatever Jamie and Shane named their kids would sit idly by. Sigh.


But, it's not happening.

I mean, maybe next year after our separate stints, we'll reconvene at our apartment in the ghetto section of Astoria...but probably not. Oh, we're parting amicably...so don't worry about that. I hate them now as much as I hated them when I first moved in (jk jk jk).


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Anyway, so now I'm looking for a new apartment. I'm sure you're curious so I'll tell you the bla bla bla of it all: movingNovember1.movinginwithLaura(afriendofKristyn'sfromPeaceCorps).stayinginAstoria.



As I peruse Craig's List and put myself on the market...I take stock of where I am and what I'm really looking for...in an apartment (an aside: Did any of you see that 'Oprah' a little while ago where she interviewed the girl who got raped from a Craig's List ad her ex-boyfriend put up? WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?)

1) Two bedrooms. Yeah, Laura and I aren't gonna share a bedroom.

2) Two EQUAL size bedrooms. AHA! Now it's getting tricky. You thought this was going to be a piece of cake.

3) CLOSETS. Can I get an amen? Closets are apparently a luxury item akin to gold and diamonds when searching for apartments in NYC. My current apartment has...two public closets...and then each room also has a nice-sized closet. Growing up in CT, and going to school at communist AU (with rooms on campus that were ALL the same size and featured a full wall or drawers and closet space), I always had a closet. I thought closets were like air, water, walls, ceilings and floors (read: necessities)…but apparently not.

4) Wood Floors. Yeah…carpeting isn’t necessarily a bad thing…but wood floors are easy to clean and don’t hold stains like carpets (Was someone killed in this room at one point? I don’t get that red color…uh)

5) Windows. If I wanted to feel like I was in prison I would rough someone up and then shoot them. Actually…I might be more of a white collar crime type of girl.

6) NO BROKER’S FEE!!!!!!!! Do other cities besides New York have real estate brokers, and more importantly, real estate broker’s fees? I had an apartment in DC but it was in a building so there weren’t any up front costs…or, actually, maybe there were…but I wasn’t paying for it. UM.

7) LOCATION (location location). I would prefer not to be like…a 15 minute walk from the subway. If you’ve interacted with me in the mornings you understand why. If you’ve heard me bitch about carrying things, then you also understand why. If you’ve read this blog…well…you get where I’m going with this.

8) NO. ROACHES. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!! On the flip side…when people have come to look at my current apartment to see if they’d be interested in renting I don’t tell them about our past roach / mice problems unless they specifically ask. Don’t ask don’t tell (too soon?)

9) Not a billion dollars. A billion minus one dollars, perhaps. Or should I say perhapsly?

LET’S GET THIS BABY UP!