Hi. How are you? It's always hard to begin a letter to something that you don't know very well/at all, but I think for the sake of my mental sanity I should keep trudging on. Who cares if this letter is kind of awkward?
Also, I know how annoying it can be to get passive aggressive letters from people you're living with, but since we've never met and I don't think I'll ever see you face to face...I had no other choice. I wonder what you look like...
I assume that you don't read my blog. I know it's not good to assume things...the whole 'ass out of u and me' thing... but I just know you haven't been reading. You see mouse, if you had been reading my blog then you would have seen a letter that I wrote a few weeks ago to a certain cockroach that was living in my room. You also would have probably LOL'd at some of the more ridiculous/funny things I've had to say but that's besides the point. My blog's awesome.
In that letter, I told the cockroach in my room that he was expected to pay half of my rent or to move out ASAP. Well, the same goes for you mouse. Granted, you're not living in my room and I have yet to see you. But just because you don't dare to enter my bed chamber, doesn't mean that you should ever consider crossing the threshold of my apartment. And just because I haven't seen you, doesn't mean that I think you're not there. You're there, alright. You might lay low during the day time, but the holes in my bag of croutons and the bite marks in Jamie's bags of oatmeal indicate otherwise.
Furthermore, the squeaking and scratching that you were doing yesterday, on Yom Kippur no less, were highly unappreciated and down right rude. Your ballsy behavior caused the TV show my mom and I were watching to be interupted on several occasions and ultimately resulted in my having to clean out my food cabinet and throw away opened packages. Normally, cleaning is a good thing. But to have to take out, examine, and then put away FOOD on a day where I'm not allowed to eat is too much.
So please, I urge you, and demand of you, to GET THE F*** OUT. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. Like Gandolf the wizard in 'Lord of the Rings' said, 'YOU SHALL NOT PASS [mouse living in Becky's apartment]'.
No longer will Jamie and I stand idly by while you eat our food. No longer will we *hope* that you go away. It seems that you, like the cockroach that was living in my room, have a thing for free loading. You waltz into a space that you have no ownership of and instead of asking if you can stay or borrow some food you just TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. You're so selfish!
Did you think, for one moment, that maybe I bought that bag of croutons because I wanted to enjoy them? Or didn't you do much thinking while you were in the middle of crunch-crunch-crunching? Did you contemplate, even for one second, that maybe Jamie bought a big pack of oatmeal because she really likes oatmeal and wanted to eat it? I'm thinking, NO. You didn't.
So mouse, you have a few choices. Like I did for the cockroach, I will present you with a few options. You can either: leave the apartment ASAP and live out the rest of your smelly/gross/lame life elsewhere, or you can NEVER leave and die in one of a series of glue traps that I am planning on buying and laying around the apartment. Don't worry about paying rent or hiding under my bed. DIE or GET OUT.
I have nothing more to say to you except this: I've never met you and I hope to GOD that I never will.
- Becky
P.S. Since I know you're not reading this blog entry, when I'm done with this letter I will print out a copy for you and bring it home so that you can read it and take note of what I have to say. I may be demanding, but I'm not a bitch.
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