5770---the year of champions

Well, This will be my second post for the month of September. GEEZ. That is not good. Not good at all.

I used to blog at work, but lately at work things have just been crazy! Get this, I come into work and IMMEDIATELY start working. Then, I pretty much work all morning until I go to lunch. Lunch is pretty fun. I get to eat, and sometimes lie down...and talk about things that aren't really important at all. *Sigh* Anyway, after lunch I come back to my desk and work, work, work til 5:15/5:30 when I leave.

Isn't that ridiculous? Work, Work, Work! I mean, it does make the day go by faster but because I'm constantly DOING things I don't have time to blog!! So, you suffer...and then because I constantly worry about people, I suffer too.

You may or may not know this but, it's Yom Kippur right now. Yup...the 'best' day of the whole year. Well, as part of this '10 day window/new year/why can't I eat yet?/why do I have to keep feeling crappy about the bad things I've done?' thing, I'd like to share with you some of my new years resolutions. To make this more fun, I've devised a game. 2/7 of these are real. Can you guess which ones?

1) Become a stripper. Clothes are so overrated. Sometimes they're too big, and other times they're too small. Sometimes they're not warm enough or they're too hot. You have to pay for them, and you have to wash them when they're dirty. If I wanted to do all of that, I'd just have a kid! Am I right?! Clothes free is the way to be!


2) Start my own business. Jamie and I have a lot of tea. Between the two of us we have 10 different boxes of tea, and a few zip loc bags shoved full of various bags. We decided that we should open a tea house...possibly called Insani-Tea. Thoughts? To compete with the Himalayan Tea House in Astoria, we'd also have a Beer Balcony in lieu of their Beer Garden.

3) Cure Cancer. I'm sure it's not really that complicated.

4) Get married. Or at the very least get engaged. I don't think I'm ready, but I really want a nice diamond ring...and I don't want to have to pay for it myself (or beg my mom).

5) See people as they really are. You know, like...you're fine, but you're not perfect and I shouldn't pretend you are. It makes it impossible for you to live up to my expectations. Also, you smell bad and I shouldn't ignore that. God, seriously...did you bathe in garlic?!

or hang that in your closet?

6) Be more creative. I just, like, have to create man...you know? Like, I feel this energy pulsing in my veins and it needs to be let out!! Can you, like, even imagine what that's like? It's deep. So frickin' deep.

7) Punch you in the face. Oh don't even act like you haven't been asking for it.

Easy Fast Everyone!

So we didn't win the lottery

OY. I can't even lie to you. I was planning this entry to tell you all about how I DID win the lottery last Friday, August 28th, 2009 C.E. (or A.D.) (or whatever you want to call it). And now that I didn't win the lottery...I'm kind of at a loss. Can I still blog about this? UH...so how about this weather? 75 and sunny with no humidity? It feels kind of...I don't want to type it because I know someone will smite me...cold, doesn't it? I'm kind of COLD!


Wait, did I even tell you that I entered the lottery? It's kind of a cute story. See, my office has about 50 people in it and...in a nice way...I can kind of say that we could all stand to win the lottery. In fact, not only could we stand it monetarily...we kind of NEED it mentally. So, most of us pooled our resources via our office manager (<3) and made up a lottery ticket that looked like this:

($1 = 6 numbers x 37 people that entered = BIG WIN?!?!?)

We decided we would split the money evenly (something like $250,000/yr. for 20 years each) and for the rest of the week we talked about what we would do with our winnings. Most of us said we'd quit...anyway...we waited for Friday night when the numbers would be called. We crossed our fingers. We prayed. We bought extra tickets on the side just to make SURE we had a good enough chance of winning. But then, we didn't win.

I planned on blogging poolside in Greece or Italy or LA or Miami from my new iphone, champagne glass (full of course) in hand as I dictated my words to my new personal assistant (you didn't think I could type with one hand, did you?) and shared my exciting news with you today! I wanted to tell you how great life was, and how I wasn't going to change now that I was rich (which is a lie). In an alternative universe, that was my Tuesday, September 1, 2009 C.E. (A.D. etc. etc. haven't we been through this before?)

*SIGH*

But I guess not all things are meant to be...yet. I mean, there's still a slight possibility that I could win the lottery at some point in the future, right? Or, even if I didn't win on my own, I could mug someone who possessed a winning lottery ticket or forge a winning ticket a la Leonardo DiCaprio in 'Catch Me If You Can'. Or I could marry a guy who had just won the lottery which would make the money basically mine. You know...all options...

Oh are you curious what I would have done with the money? You know if I HAD won (even though I didn't. Did I mention that?) I thought you might be. Surprisingly given my vanity and greed and constant desire for new clothes, not too much.


1) Pay off student loans (now I'll just have to be in debt until I'm 35. no no it's fine. really. FINE. doesn't suck AT ALL. !)

2) Buy an IPhone. (Of course I don't need one...I just really really really want one now. I've built it up in my head to be this awesome gadget that I basically can't live without. CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. I'm living a half life. Stop laughing!) AND...

3) Pay up front for two years of service for it (That just makes sense, you know?).

4) Go on a month-long trip (I was thinking something like: Greece, Italy, Spain---BARCELONA!!!---, France and Germany).

FIN. Boring, right? Oh and then I'd bla bla invest bla bla just to be safe bla bla look for another job after I quit mine bla practical bla good idea. In short, my life could have been awesome if I'd won the lottery but unfortunately, I didn't so none of this matters. WOMP WOMP. BYE!

Come one, Come all!

MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN, CATS, DOGS (eh...) , BABIES...join me, won't you? Join me, as I journey westward and set up camp in what is possibly the best state in the entire country. UGH...no I'm not talking about Kentucky (Melissa). or Ecuador (Michelle. Ecuador isn't even in the US!). or DC (Everyone who lives there).

I'm talking about California! And more specifically I'm talking about NORTHERN California (socal = the same mentality as New York but with the pain of having to drive your car everywhere. I don't care if it IS sunny all the time and there are pinkberrys for miles!).

OOOHH. AAAHHH.


I went there on vacation last week (you should totez know this by now. A) I've been talking about it non-stop B) I put mad picz up on facebook and C) I probably told you via e-mail or phone or text or in person that I was going...sooo....) and it was amazing! I laughed! I smiled! I even said 'hello' to strangers just to be nice. My fellow New Yorkers can you imagine saying 'HI' to someone just to say 'hi' to them and not because they're serving you coffee, or giving you a free paper, or good looking ? Probably not. We just don't do that around here.

Which is why I want to move to Northern California. Ok. Let me rephrase that. *I really really really really SUPER badly want to move to Northern California. There's only one problem...EWE.



Whoops! I mean YOU. I want YOU to move with me. Sure, Northern California is awesome and sunny and friendly and not humid...but what's a place without the people you love/your fans? I know some of you might like you living arrangements and might not WANT to move, so that's why I've come up with a list of reasons why you SHOULD move to Norcal (that's what they call it there) with me. Stop thinking and start moving!

1) ME. COME ON! THIS SMILE? this charm? How would you be able to handle it if I moved allllll the way out west? You'll have to just come with me :)

2) OCEAN. The ocean is California is so pretty (especially in Northern California). It's all blue and wave-y. Kind of cold, but that's character building, right?

3) TRADER JOES. So, you know that insanely long line at the Trader Joes in Union Square? Anyone? Well, in N.C. there are Trader Joes everywhere! Seriously! So, if you wanted to, I don't know, pick up some green tea mochi (<3) or those awesome little rolls with pumpkin seeds in them or some microwaveable thai food...Northern California would be a great place to do that! HINT HINT


4) SURFING. This kind of relates to the ocean, I guess. And there is technically surfing in other places besides N ^ C (like Baja Mexico, for example, where Dillan/Dylan from 90210 used to go surfing. This just came up at lunch time, if you're curious) but it's just COOLER out there.

5) Rolling Hills. OH MY GOSH. The hills in Northern California are out of control. They're so tall (but not too tall like, I don't know, mountains or something), but also so green (but not too green like, a frog or anything) but also so brown (but too brown like, well, you know). And they're just so, flat-ish but not. Am I making any sense?

6) In-n-out burger. Deb points out that I should list things that aren't actually on the east coast and are exclusive to California (Yes SoCal you can be included on this). Well, In-n-out fits those criterion doesn't it? Their lettuce wrapped burgers are out of this world! MMM

7) Californians. Yeah there just aren't many Northern Californians out here, are there? Oh wait, maybe there are. HMM. Well anyway, there are even MORE Northern Californians in Northern California. Can you believe it?!?! They have such interesting style, and are so nice and laid back. They smile just because they like to smile and listen to fun music They probably smoke a lot of pot too...

Me + You + Northern Californian Friends = ideal

8) ALCOHOL. More specifically WINE. There are wineries GALORE in Northern California. Some of them even let you taste their stuff for FREE. And the other ones that don't give you free alcohol give you glasses! WOO! You can never have too many glasses. Sure there are wineries elsewhere, but the quality of wine and the scenery are poop compared to California. POOP! (open up your gmail and type ~@~ into a chat box for a surprise!)


In short, this list is too long. All I can really say is that you should make this moving decision with your HEART. I know you LOVE me, therefore you should follow me blindly to Northern California where we can go to grad school at UC Berkeley and work as part-time sommeliers in Sonoma on Saturday and Sunday.

IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN THREE WEEKS

Have you been counting the days since my last blog entry? If you have you might have noticed that it's been, like, MORE than three weeks since my last entry. GEEZ! Sometimes I don't blog for a few days, or even a week, because I'm busy and/or lazy/ and or napping...but THREE WEEKS?? That's really unlike me. I could have been kidnapped, or chopped into pieces in someones freezer somewhere. I could have been sold into child slavery (more like 'young lady slavery' but you know). I could have changed my blog address! SO MANY THINGS...and you didn't think to call? or e-mail? or even @message me on twitter to see if I was ok?


Fine. That's not the point...

But you know what? I can't change your behavior (as much as I want to). I can only take responsibility for myself and my absence.


All I can say is that I'm sorry.
I never meant to hurt you like this. When we first met, I had the best of intentions. I just wanted to produce funny and awkward material for you to roll your eyes at or even enjoy. I wanted to be there for you. I told myself that I would be the rock you could lean against during the harshest storm. That I would be the blogger you could call late at night if you needed a ride home from a party because you're 17 and drunk and think that even though your parents say 'you can call me anytime. no really. please call me' they don't mean it because they'll definitely ground you and give you a moral whipping and who wants that after 7 V + Ts? or really at all? Parents aren't so lame...

You know what though? Something happened and after months and weeks and days and more weeks and more months we lost our spark. We had been getting along so well hadn't we? Remember when you commented about something I said that you liked and I felt good about myself? And remember when you sent your friends my blog link and they read it and told you how talented I was...I mean am. And then I checked my google analytics and counted all of you and realize that as much as I was giving to you you were also giving back.

I noticed our relationship start to disintegrate. Slowly you weren't commenting. No one EVER submitted pictures for the 'photoshop on demand' series I tried to get off the ground, and when I asked you about my latest entries you'd avoid eye contact and say 'oh yeah it was good'. I knew you hadn't been reading.

And then there was that night a flaming bag of poop appeared on my doorstep. It was WHOLLY unnecessary and really awkward for everyone involved but...what am I saying? We had drifted apart. You had moved on to other blogs like http://skinnygirlsbigsandwiches.com/ and http://upsidedowndogs.com/ and I had moved away from my computer. I had started exploring the world.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm SORRY.

Look. It's not you. It's me. I'm going through a selfish phase. I just have been busy, you know? Like last week I was in California (entry to follow) and then before that I was off being cool. But all the while, I've been missing you. And I know, without you even telling me, that you've missed me too. So how do we re-establish our connection? How do I get you to regularly check my blog again, and how do I get myself to BLOG. TO WRITE. TO EXPRESS?!?!

We just do it. Enough talking about it. Let's get this show on the road!!

Tomorrow. BYE!

Something else I decided that I wanted today(at 4:24!)

Hey! Did any girls here used to have a caboodle kit?! I had TWO. One was 'old school' (from the 80's) and was my mom's. I kind of commandeered it from her. See? I was always a pirate. The other caboodle kit I had, was blue and glittery...and by the end of the 7th grade was painted over in random nail polish colors. I thought that was cool? Actually...I probably still would.

Anyway, I kind of would like a caboodle kit again. I have so much random crap: jewelry, nail polish, eye make up, make up remover thingies, heroin needles, crack bottle caps, laundry quarters...it'd be nice to have one, easily transportable place to put all that shiz.

Someone get me a caboodle! Thanks!

(But not in this color. yuck!)

(or this one...though this lay out will suffice)

Thing I wanted someone to make for me TODAY (and it's only 2:35)

Well, my last entry was super short. You're probably thinking something like 'What is this Becky character's problem? First she doesn't blog for like...EVER...and then she blogs and it's like, one sentence long? God, I mean...I'm paying for this blog OK?! OH wait...no I'm not. Well, I'm commenting on this blog and...oh that's right...I NEVER comment. In fact, I don't know I feel so entitled to long, funny entries because you know what? I don't do anything to make this blog live, or breathe or be BETTER. In fact, I don't do ANYTHING. So I'm just going to shut up now and enjoy the gifts that I'm getting *BURP*'


And you know what? This next one's going to be even shorter.

Thinsg I wanted someone to make for me TODAY (and it's only 2:35)

1) Origami-ish Yoda:


If you possess any cool looking paper, or paper folding skills, please contact me at: likeIwouldpostthisonhere@gmail.com.

THANKS! BYE!

Things I wanted to buy TODAY (and it's only 2:30)

Hello, Hello, Hello!

It is SO good to be seeing you again! I've really been missing you. No...I really have. What? I didn't see you at that party. You waved to me how many times? Huh. And you said hello? Well...I really don't remember that. Was I drunk? Hahaha...that sounds like me.

Anyway, the past few weeks (since my AWESOME facebook pet blog) have been pretty busy. I've been out of town, and then had some out of town-ers come to me. I've been to the beach, to a concert, for a psychic reading (something about how I should re-arrange my furniture, and how I would be a good businesswoman, and how the next year...starting at Rosh Hashanah...will be a great one for me socially), out for drinks, in for drinks...

Basically: same old same old.


And speaking of same old, same old...I still have this problem where I like, you know, want to buy everything I see. Just this morning for example I wanted to buy:

1) Bacon Bandages. My vote: AWESOME! Debbie's vote: GROSS! what do you think?


2) Bacon & Egg Tote Bag! Who doesn't love bacon and eggs?! OH right. UM...


3) Monster Key Holders. Because, um...my keys are really boring looking? And, you know keys are a window to the soul or something. Right? I might be messing that up.


4) Crazy Cat Lady Game. It's never too early to start preparing for your future:


BYE!

****
an addendum. It is not 2:57 and I received a comment from Mallory asking where you can buy (ME!) all of these awesome things:

http://www.mcphee.com

Prepare to have your life changed!