Things I'd like to learn

I finished college less than a year ago and already I feel like I'm slipping. I can barely read anymore...I had to pay a child off the street to type this for me. And let's not even talk about my vocabulary. So with no fruther a dew...no. KID! You're spelling that wrong! It's A D O. Ugh, but all together. ADO. Now type it again. So with no further ado...

Things I'd like to learn:

1) How to speak Spanish. I've been saying this for a long time. Why don't I just get started already? Then when Spanish-speaking men "holler" at me on the streets I can know what they're saying (probably something like "Oh you beautiful goddess. You are what a woman should be. You are kind and smart. You're funny and a good person to be around. You have nice earrings and an adorable smile. I want to impregnate you.") and have a smart comeback ready for them (probably something like "I know. Thank you for noticing all of my worldly and other-worldly gifts. Your compliments sincerely flatter me. I'm not ready for kids" )

2) How to translate documents from French to English and vice versa. I know French(ish) and I know English(ish). So, I think it'd be useful to know how to translate documents from one language to the other. People get paid $$$s to do stuff like that, and I really like $$$s. So...
I'll google it.

3) How to fence. Why does that fencing club have to be all the way in Long Island? And why did I always forget to sign up for fencing at AU until I saw the kids fencing in the amphitheater and it was months after registration? Why couldn't I remember to sign up for the class the night of registration? Anyway, fencing would be very fun to learn. Cool costume + sword + swagger = Being a pirate, but not. If I learned how to fence I could dress up as a pirate every day, on the inside.

4) How to balance a check book. It's actually kind of embarrassing to admit that I don't know how to balance a check book. UM. I should probably know that. It's just writing down everything you purchase with money from your checking account, and then making sure that your remaining balance is what you actually have, right? Is it? Oh man.

5) How to whisper. I can't whisper. I actually can't even speak at a normal level

...unless I'm tired. In which case I have no energy and can barely talk. I think I just contradicted myself, but actually no I didn't. But I think I might have just done it again. It would be useful to know how to whisper (for movies, for plays, for the workplace, for talking about people etc.).

6) How to walk in a straight line. Every time I'm walking with someone, which is usually once every 14 weeks, I walk into them. I don't really mind. Sometimes I like having physical contact with other people. But the people I walk into get kind of annoyed. And I don't like when people are annoyed with me. So even if I like physical contact I dislike people being annoyed with me more. So, I should learn how to walk in a straight line. Problem solved!

7) How to lie. I'm not in the mafia. I'm not in the mafia. I'm NOT in THE mafia. See? I'm giggling while I'm typing this! I like your shirt. I LIKE your shirt. Ilikeyour SHIRT. Ugh. I can't do it! I'll call you. I'm calling you right now. No really, your phone isn't ringing? I really am calling you...that's...so...weird. LIES! ALL OF THEM! And they're not believable.

8) How to laugh. We all know I GIGGLE. I giggle from mountaintop to mountaintop! Well...maybe not so much since I'm afraid of heights and every time I'm on top of a mountain I seem to cry. Point is: I want my giggle to deepen and mature, like a fine wine. I want to laugh heartily not giggle like a 14 year old in geometry class.

I hate geometry. I might write an entry about how much I hate geometry later. >:-|