Today I checked Debbie's blog and for the first time in a week she'd actually written an entry. And this week, even though she's going through sugar withdrawal, Erin wrote TWO blog entries. I on the other hand, after a close call with my blog, haven't written anything in the past few days. But I don't want this to become a pattern. I WANT TO WRITE IN MY BLOG! So, what can I blog about? I need to write about something that I know about and that's funny. And I need to write about something that matters, because if my blog topic doesn't matter how can my blog entry make a difference?
So thus, with no further ado, I bring you:
Things that are awkward.
1) The dance. No, I don't mean dancing in general...though dancing in general can be awkward. Especially with those guys who THINK they know how to dance but don't. And who sweat a lot and make you feel embarrassed. 'Is everyone looking at me dancing with this guy? Do they think we came here together? I hope not!'. But that's not 'the dance' I'm talking about. I'm talking about 'someone's walking towards me on the street/sidewalk/subway platform/aisle in the restaurant/down the stairs--now which way do I go?' thought process. That leads you to choose left or right. If someone's walking towards you you can either go left around them or go right around them. But what if they choose to go the same way around you? What if you want to go left around someone and they want to go right around you? You face each other and step in the same direction, and nothing's accomplished. You're still in each other's way and now you're kind of embarrassed. And sometimes this happens for a while until you or the other person pause and let your opponent walk around you. This routine, this back and forth, is called 'the dance'. And it's super awkward.
2) Stuffing groceries in a backpack. So, I get nervous packing things up anyway. My hands shake when I wrap presents, I can barely make a sandwich. And yet, for some reason, I'm very into the idea of bringing a backpack to the grocery store and instead of wasting plastic bags or having to lug canvas bags home I pack my backpack full of my wares, strap it on, and walk home a little more comfortably. Groceries are heavy! Well, Queens is a place of double bagging. People here take their plastic bags seriously, and if you try to provide an alternative for them they're skeptical. So today, when I told my cashier at the grocery store, very politely, that I was going to pack my groceries into my backpack, my awkward routine began. First I had to tell him, as he started preparing double-bagged bags, that I wouldn't be needing any. Then I got to try and arrange my groceries in my bag in a way that would optimize space, while trying to pay my bill, and move quickly. I ended up not having enough room for my broccoli...so I had to walk, downtrodden, after a big fuss and lots of packing action, out of the store with my PACKED backpack and one, lonely plastic big. It was awkward. And in general is awkward.
3) Talking at the same time as someone else. My friends and I interrupt each other a lot. But it's fine, because we know each other. If I interrupt one of my best friends from middle school, she isn't going to think it's rude of me or get upset and stop talking. She's going to pause, say 'you interrupted me' and then keep going. It's fine. Interruptions happen. But what about when you first meet someone? They stick their little heads out of their turtle shells and start to talk to you and then you go and interrupt them and try to take over the conversation. It was their turn to talk but then you tried to say something at the same time as them so whose turn is it now? Should you keep talking and try to overpower them? Or should you say 'no no, go ahead, sorry, sorry' and try to correct your interruption? They stick their little turtle heads back in and become shy again. You interrupted them, tried to talk at the same time as them, and now they don't want to continue their story. But then you feel bad for cutting them off and don't want to share your stupid anecdote anymore. If you go to talk at the same time as someone else, who wins and gets to end up talking? It's SO awkward.
4) Telling a joke that doesn't go well. Now that I've spent so much time writing about the last three awkward things I'm losing my wind a little. But suffice it to say that I tell a lot of corny jokes and that a good percentage of them don't go over well. It's really embarrassing and really awkward. Especially if you don't know the people you're talking too that well. How do you recover from a bad joke? How do you fill the silence that ensues?
5) Spilling on yourself early in the morning/when you're out in public and don't have a change of clothes. Especially awkward if you spill on someone else too.
6) Waving to people across crowded places and having someone else, you don't know, wave back to you. This has actually happened to me. If I don't know you why would I be waving at you? That's not my pick up routine.
7) Talking about people, in a gossipy way, and then being interrupted by their sudden presence in the room. Do you cut yourself off and hope that the person didn't hear the noise of talking followed by the sudden silence of shame? Or do you completely change the subject and hope that the person doesn't notice that you were talking about SOMEONE and are now talking about what you ate for dinner or what you're doing tomorrow night? SO AWKWARD.
8) Talking to any family member over the age of 60 about sex, or drugs, or sex & drugs combined. Old people shouldn't know about sex or drugs. They didn't have those things in the olden days. And they don't need to know that you know that such things exist today. There's no right way to answer your grandmother's question of 'have you smoked pot?'. Awkward turtle.
9) Being the only girl in a group of guys. Sometimes this can be fun-like if you're at a bar and one of the guys, or two of them or ALL of them decide to buy you drinks. Yay for stereotypical gender roles. But if you're the only girl in a group of lame 'I'm not buying you crap' guys, it's just awkward. They pretend you're not there and proceed to talk about...you know...guy "things". Are you supposed to pitch in, and then by pitching in, remind that you're actually a GIRL and don't want to be talking about this "stuff". Or, is it better to just sit and listen? Either way, it's awkward to be the only girl in a group of guys. Especially if they start asking questions like 'do girls burp? Or fart?'...ew
10) Anything I do, pretty much. Debbie told me I should add this to the list because I'm really awkward...so I'm obliging her. I'm not sure when I became as awkward as I am now. And overall, I don't know if I actually AM more awkward than the average person or if I'm just more open about it. I mean, it's not like I go out and grope people randomly in public or sneeze without blowing my nose or ruin social gatherings. My awkwardness isn't that bad. And yet...
here I am. Making jokes no one understands. Telling people about how I'm sweaty or about weird dreams I had the night before. It's too much. So yes, I AM this list. I AM awkward.
11) Ending this. Is. Awkward. KThanksBye!
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